A Bit of Revelation...

The other night, I posted the song "Not While I'm Around." It is from a secular musical, Sweeney Todd, which is one of my personal favorites in terms of music. Beautiful songs, such as the one above, also "Johanna" and "Pretty Women." Beautiful, haunting, deep melodies.

A praying friend of mine on Facebook whom I have met due to our mutual love for the Bay of the Holy Spirit Revival made a great comment to me after reading my last blog entry and listening to the song. He said, "J, why don't you look at this song in a different light...since you said God speaks to you in songs, maybe He is speaking to you through THIS song too."

While I had posted it as a song for my daughter, I had to think about what this praying friend said. And then I took a look at the lyrics, and thought about God's love for me, through this PNE journey, and life in general. While not ALL the lyrics apply directly, the gist does.

Not While I'm Around (from "Sweeney Todd")

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling,
I don't care, I got ways.

No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...

Not to worry, not to worry
I may not be smart, but I'm not dumb.
I can do it. Put me to it. Show me somethin - I can overcome.
Not to worry, ma'am.

Being close and being clever
Ain't like being true
I don't need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some...

Nothin's gonna harm you. Not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, darling
Not while I'm around.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...

Wow.

My love for my daughter

This journey with PNE has been so hard on my family. On the three of us. Today/tonight was especially difficult, as I'm experiencing more and more of a new symptom.

When I can, and tonight was one of those nights, I suck up the pain and sit in the rocker/glider that I put together when I was 8 months pregnant, rock my angel baby to sleep, and I think of songs like this. Tonight, I couldn't even get out any words for her sweet ears to hear. I just had her listen to my heart.

I want to sing again..... God, the pain that encompasses every possible realm is just overtaking us. In your mercy, please send your angels to surround us and go before us, making a way.

This song is the epitome of a mother's love for her baby. And I love Barbra Streisand.

There is a River

Lord Jesus, when I first heard this anointed song, years before I had PNE, it spoke to my heart. Let all who listen to this song be touched by your mercy and love. And, Lord, you know my prayer is to minister this song with my own voice.... again.... someday.... in your mercy, let it be soon.

Whispers

"My Lord!" I cry. "Where are you? You see my pain, you see my suffering, you KNOW, O Lord the magnitude of it. " I am here.

"Lord, PLEASE, PLEASE take this pain out of my body! In the name of Jesus, as You declared in your Word, I command this pain to be removed from my body, by the power and authority in Your blood." I will heal you.

"Father God, I cannot bear this anymore. My life is passing me by. You know my heart's cry! I cannot hold my daughter, I cannot sit to rock her to sleep. I do not have any closeness, intimacy with my husband, God we are UNABLE because of the pain! Why, God, why?" Wait, I say. Wait. I will do it.

"But, I had a glimpse of hope! Would it get better? I thought it was! Lord!! Why am I flat on my back again? Why, Lord Jesus? Trust Me.

"When, God, when? Oh, Lord, WHEN? We cannot bear any more of this!! Please help us!" I will restore to you the locusts have eaten. Wait, I say.

These are the whispers from my Lord when I cried out to Him this morning, in agony, desperate. I share them with you to encourage you and to re-encourage myself.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have called you, and you are Mine."

Tears

Tears

My tears fall down

thick as the rain

that drops on my steps.

Pouring out of my soul,

out of the depths of my being,

out of everything I am.

They start in my heart

and move to my mind,

and back again,

back again.

An endless circle of pain

that no one understands...

My tears fall as the rain.

Grieving

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. Life is emotional, busy, complicated, dramatic, frustrating, joyful, all wrapped in one.

But right now, it's full of some grief.

Definitions and explanations:

Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Grief may be triggered by the death of a loved one. People also can experience grief if they have an illness for which there is no cure, or a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. The end of a significant relationship may also cause a grieving process.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are common stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss. People's responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the death.

For example, if the person who died had a chronic illness, the death may have been expected. The end of the person's suffering might even have come as a relief. If the death was accidental or violent, coming to a stage of acceptance might take longer.

Symptoms

There can be five stages of grief. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:

• Denial, disbelief, numbness

• Anger, blaming others

• Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")

• Depressed mood, sadness, and crying

• Acceptance, coming to terms

What I suffer with out of the above: anger, depressed mood, sadness and crying. At some times, I feel like I've come to a place of TEMPORARY acceptance. However, due to my faith in Jesus and that He died for not only my sins but all my diseases and illnesses, it is temporary. I cannot lose faith that I will be completely healed.

Today I talked with a PNE friend and jabbered about our mutual illness. We are both so confused as to which way to turn. Why didn't I just open my mouth and start talking about Jesus instead of rationalizing over this doctor and that doctor? France or Arizona? Cut the ligaments or go a different route and risk re-scarring? Spend a ton of money or get it covered by insurance? Longer recovery or shorter recovery? Less nerve handling or more nerve handling? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lord, let it be well with my soul.

In my own self, I cannot deal with this. I cannot bear this anymore. I take ten steps forward and it seems like eleven back. I grieve because I didn't think my life would EVER be this way. Never in my wildest dreams. I'm the girl that still doesn't take ibuprofen for a headache.

God, why do you put me through so many fiery trials? I know it's for Your glory, Lord.

Why can't I hear more from you, Lord? Just trust and believe.

I am so motherly. I would love more children. The doctor said no more pregnancies. All I really ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I am. But, God, I am SO NOT THE WIFE AND MOTHER I WANT TO BE!!! I AM SO HELPLESS!!! HALF THE TIME, I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE A WIFE AND A MOTHER! I FEEL LIKE A NOTHING, AN ICE PACK, A HEATING PAD, AN ELECTRIC SHOCK, A MESSED UP PELVIS.

I want to minister with my voice again. I am so sick of not singing with the PGC. I can't take it. I truly felt my ministry was alive there. Why take me away from it, Lord? Just trust Me.

Will I ever have another baby, a sibling for A? If it's in My will, but until then, you focus on Me and your healing first.

Oh, Lord, what song best fits my grief? Give me a song, Lord God.

You know me, Lord. You've searched my soul. You've given new life to me. You bring me joy, you bring me fire, Lord. You know me, Jesus. You know me, Lord.

You know me, Lord. Each step I take... you knew before, the world was made. You formed my innermost being. Jesus, you alone, You know me, Lord.

So Lord tonight, as I grieve... you knew this day, you knew it'd be. I won't forget, Lord, the joy you've brought to me. You saved my soul, you gave me fire, you've given me everything, Lord... You will most certainly heal me.

You know me, Lord. You know my heart. You know my faith at times, can seem so small. But Lord, you knew this day'd be here... You give me hope, Lord. You give me words, Lord. You say to me, Lord, TRUST AND BELIEVE.

Things that constantly amaze me...

I gave myself frostbite!!!

Yikes, right? Well, it's actually frost-burn, to be specific, and it's 2nd degree. I sure hope it goes away. As many of you with PN(E) know, ice really helps neuropathic pain. Well, I got these lovely new ice packs that just hang out there, and I don't listen to the old wrap them in paper towel or use only for 20 minutes rule. Whoops!! Big whoops. I have these grayish-brown burns on the skin covering my Alcock's canal, more prominent on the right than the left (boy, I sound like a Potter MRI report!) My friend is really into homeopathy, and gave me Arnica mixed with Witch Hazel. So far, no increase in pain, but no decrease. And I can't use the ice for like 2 weeks!! Ughhhh!! What will I do? Ouch. So, I say this as a warning. Don't get too used to that nice ice feeling. You could be frostbiting your darn crotch off!

Anyways, as an aside, I was on my feet from 10-230 yesterday and did good! No real increase in pain, and I felt like I was walking, dare I say, close to normal??? It's funny, as I am saying this, I just got a major nerve zap, and I haven't had one for over a week, OUCH!!! Grrrrrr......

If anyone can get me good airline ticket prices, I want to go to the Bay of the Holy Spirit Revival in Mobile, AL . I find it hard to believe that due my misfortune, when my browser closed yesterday by accident, the ticket prices had TRIPLED in one minute. I got to talk to Peggy over in Timbuktu and he/she assured me that they had no control over it.

A friend with PNE has been fortunate to go to 3 revival services. She has yet to be healed. I'm so proud of her for going though, because I'm SURE God revealed so much to her through those services. I hope He confirmed in her heart that she will INDEED be healed of this awful disease. A lot of people are wondering why I feel the need to go to an out of state revival when "revival starts in our hearts." Well, I want to be in the presence of people who are mostly dead to themselves and want all of God that they can. I want to hear the rushing winds of the Holy Spirit. I want to see signs and wonders (yes, I know, they can be done locally... we just need to exercise those gifts more and get "out of the box.") I want my faith to be taken to a HIGHER level. I LOVE TO WORSHIP. I want to worship for hours and hours. I would pray God gives me the stamina to worship for hours. I love to be in His presence. I love to SING!! (DUH) I would love to have worship go on forever. I'm excited for Heaven.

Okay, so I know this post got wayyy off of PNE, but you all know I am a Christian. Recently, my husband and I came across some clips off YouTube of the Brownsville revival from the late 90's. This one struck my heart and made me cry.