A long time comin'

There have been so many people that have emailed me.  Too many to count.  I am so grateful that this blog is touching people across the world.  That is such an answer to prayer.  To all those people who have emailed me, and I haven't responded yet, I want to say:

First of all, THANK YOU.  I'm blessed that you reached out to me, whether it be for help and answers about PN/E, to send me a note of encouragement, or just to find out how I'm doing.  I read your email, and I care about you.  However, I have set time apart for myself, my daughter and husband, and for my time with God, seeking Him about what I am to do forward.  That is the only reason why I haven't answered personal emails to my fightpne@yahoo.com address.  I have to take care of myself and sometimes that means taking a step away from the world of PNE.  I also have been fighting CRPS and neuroplasticity, so it's been tough lately.

But to answer (vaguely - and I apologize) some of the questions:

- Yes, I am much better since my surgery in Austria last October 2011.  I am able to do SO much more!  My walking is much better, almost normal on most days, and sitting IS possible without a cushion or seat, and I can do it for longer periods of time as the months go on.  However, in times of flare up, or whatever the "centrally maintained pain" is --- things get rough.  I won't lie about that.  I don't know what is going on in my brain, spinal cord, pain receptors, central nervous system, peripheral nervous system, pudendal nerve, legs, feet, anything.  I wish I knew... I wish the doctors knew.  The only thing I know I can count on is this:

GOD KNOWS.

He is the ONLY one who knows what is going on with me, and what is to come.... and His word is TRUE and that is what I will continue to rely on - that I will be COMPLETELY healed from this -- ALL of this.... and I will live the abundant life that He promised me (and you-- and all those that believe) in His word.  I will NEVER let go of the prophetic word spoken over me when my daughter was only 4 months old and we didn't know what was wrong with me.  "God wants to heal your nervous system."

I will never let that go and God knows it!  He doesn't want me to let go of it!

God is good --

Sometimes I have bad days --- really bad days.... but God is good.  I argue with Him a lot, and yell at Him, but His love never fails.

What a great God we serve.  He forgives me again and again.

And I will not give up and neither should you!

I will be back advocating and answering personal emails (God willing) sooner than later.

Much love to all

Psalm 103

You cannot hear the notes in my head

Laying your burdens down.
Casting them at the feet of the One who cares for us, cares for us, for us.

Making a way for us.
Opening doors when we can't see through the pain, through the rain, our pain.

See, here I am God.  Here I am and I need you now, need you now, more than ever I need you now.
I'm not here to say what I should, I'm saying I just need You...

Help my family.  Help my child see Your love though yet I suffer.
Help us, Lord, it's been real hard but You are God, You are God.

Set us free, Lord.  Be the medicine that fixes us.
Save us from tomorrow and the pain we've come to anticipate.

Seasons change, another season dawning upon us now.
Why then God must I still go on like this, Lord?

You are loving, You are God, deliver me!  Deliver me, Oh God!

I have been here so many years, time and again but God you have seen me
Through all the pain, please stay the same, and help now, help now.

Let my song come through.  Let my song come through.  Hear my heart sing now
The heart that yearns to praise You again!

God of mercy, be our help, be our refuge, be it all.
We can't do it without you, God, see us crying, we need you now...

Make my melody again.  Hear the praise for You again.

Here I am, God, set me free God.  Release me, release me, release me!!

Set me as a seal upon Your heart.
Set my feet on the Rock of Your love.

God.....
Make a way....

Somehow

I just started to write...

There will be a day and it will be soon When I will sit at my piano and have no pain. I will write songs into You, my God and King And I will not even have a memory of suffering. Because in Your mercy You will have delivered me From the pain of the past. You will restore to me more than I could ever imagine. It will seem as a miracle But really it is just your love for me And my desire to serve You fully once again Will finally be fulfilled. Peace is all I ask for today Confirmation. And an end. Thank You Jesus

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked came against me To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes, They stumbled and fell. Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me, In this I will be confident. One thing I have desired of the Lord, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to inquire in His temple. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face,” My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.” Do not hide Your face from me; Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me. Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! (Psalm 27:1-14 NKJV)

Ahhh, so this is the post I thought my phone deleted

My faith is really being put to the test. I am experiencing some very "not so good" moments that throw me back into the past. In so many ways, I want to relinquish the past AND future completely and let my thoughts and cares fall only for today, for as the Bible says, today has enough worries of its own. But I fall into the trap of grief, again and again. I know it is a spiritual attack. Why would any force of evil want someone healed, made whole, testify about it, and lead others to the Lord in the process? Do I start throwing out my "get thee behind me, Satan"'s again? Honestly, I'm tired. I got a suggestion to keep doing spiritual warfare and put on my full armor. A Christian would know what that means. So, when my eyes open in the morning, do I say this to the enemy who wants to devour me? I can't. Right now, I am really weak (spiritually.) I am not white-flaggin' it to the devil though. I'm just being honest. I am so spiritually blocked right now though- I need a breakthrough- and that is only something that intercessory prayer can break. The Lord knew and knows my days before I was even formed. He knew I would write this blog post realizing my own inadequacy and my need for an "e-blast" of prayer. So I guess I will do what He says and rest in it. Rest. Today when I was driving home from dropping off my daughter at Vacation Bible School- I thought, "I would like to volunteer, with my daughter, to sing and talk and pray with young children who are in more pain than I could ever be." I was getting a thought for an avenue of ministry. Almost immediately, the enemy comes in with "but you can't do that, because you'll never be well enough for that." Now, you can see why I need a total mind overhaul. What happened to my faith? I have it somewhere- right? God- give me the grace and mercy that I need to continue to believe, that even despite these trials- that YOUR Word promises my complete health! Revive me, Holy Spirit, and send Your fire to burn with fervor again. Show me how to walk in Your Word. Show me how to TALK in Your Word. Show me that You are THAT YOU ARE!!!! Fight my battle, Jesus! Give me the faith again to TRUST You completely!!! You are ALL power, Lord! You will deliver-- IF-- I trust You. And, in your mercy, guide the hands of my surgeon, Prof Aszmann, as he operates on my dear friend tomorrow. You PROMISED us, God! Thank you, Jesus. I need a whole lotta sermon from Dr Herb Jones right now. I need some spiritual backhands!!! People speak it to me, I am open to what the Lord wants to say through you! Ughhhh- God just set me free from this. My ice packs burning in hell is long overdue.

Giving it to God

This has got to be one of the worst days.  Nothing terrible happened, no tragedies, or level 10 pain, but today is one of the first in a long time that I have realized that I just don't have words to describe how I feel anymore.  In believing that the Lord God Almighty knows when I sit and when I stand, the words that come out of my mouth before I speak them, and the thoughts that come into my head, I have to just stand back.  I need to get this crazy spirit of guilt or punishment or grief or whatever off of me and just get into my rightful place of mercy and grace, since I am a believer in God's promises.  I am trying so hard to get things going with The Pelvic Messenger --- me and my partner, both.  What a lot of people may not realize is that neither of us are completely on the other side of the fence yet.  We ain't ridin' "home free" if you know what I mean.  PELVIC PAIN IS OF THE DEVIL.  I am so sick of this!  Reader, you are seeing a lot of sides of me right now.  That's what stream-of-consciousness is, I guess.  


I had a whole blog post written and I was writing it from my phone and it deleted it.  So, here I go again.  In life, there are three spectrums of time, I guess.  Past, present and future.  Lately, I confess, I have been grieving the past and DREADING the future.  Now, what kind of spirit is THAT?  That is a messed up spirit trying to bother me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  And, another loud sigh comes out of my soul.....


I would like to let anyone who reads this far know that I am doing better since my surgery almost 8 months ago.  However, I have hit a large stumbling block in my recovery and it's got me down.  THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.  Writing is easier than weeping, sometimes, I suppose... although I've done my fair share of that today --- thank goodness I was alone... but sometimes, I don't really care.  I am who am.  I am real.  


I want to go out in the world.  I have dreams.  I want to speak to many people about this, on a small scale and large scale.  I want to bring hope to hurting people.  I want to live victoriously.  I want to sit and have coffee with someone suffering and give them Jesus and the way out.  The work I do for The Pelvic Messenger is part of that.  It is my ministry - I will make Jessica's part of it my own, and that is the freedom with which I am given.  But, I must not forget my VOICE.  The enemy tries to make me forget about that.  Says, "you ain't got it no mo'!"  WHAT?  What a liar.  


I have a dream today --- so my dream is to learn Villa-Lobos "Bachianas Brasilenas" for soprano and cello sextet.  Can I pull it off?  Large, through-the-nose exhalation...


If you love me, send me an email and tell me what I need to do to shape up my mind.  I am all for criticism, rebuke, anything.  I am being a freaking loon here.  I need to get back on track.  Yes, there is pain and it is flared and I don't know why it persists, but maybe it has for this long so that you would read this and send me an email.  I don't know.  Who knows.  


It is long past the time that my ice packs were supposed to be off burning in hell --- help me get to that point, merciful God.


Today, I thought about the beautiful music of Glenn Burleigh's "Purpose - Nia" and thought about well, God, what is my purpose?  If I had half a sane brain cell right now, I'd realize that the song simply says "I was born to love the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength."  This is my purpose.  So, I need to get back to that place, then all the rest will fall right in.


Help me out by giving me a swift kick (virtual) in the rear and tell me to shape up.  


Or as I say to my daughter, "straighten up and fly right."  


I'm just giving it to you, God.

I will run

I have had this on my mind ever since the weather got nicer. I will run again. I will really run. I will run and run and run... Maybe away for awhile. But literally, I will run. With. No. Pain.