I'm waiting, waiting for you Lord

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus....

...yes, it is.  But, my faith is being put to the ultimate test.  I'm at the point where I can't pray, don't know what to do, the only Bible verses I read are those that come through my devotionals (Rest Ministries for the Chronically Ill and Joseph Prince's), and my husband and I just sit downcast in the evenings after our child goes to sleep.  I can't count how many times we've just laid on our faces or shouted our prayers, sobbed and begged God, or just sat still - stone faced.  Hope deferred.  

Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

My friend Glenna reminded me of this verse.  I don't know what to make of it other than, "YES, GOD, THAT IS ME!  THAT IS US!"

I so want to get the treatment I need.  We have reached the end of the road here with options for this pudendal nerve pain.  I don't know what happened last spring when I had 12 weeks of improvement, steady improvement where I actually considered myself 80% better!  I certainly didn't re-injure myself.  

I am also at the point where pain doctors are tossing me back and forth like a tennis ball, giving me no options.  So -- WE MADE OUR OWN OPTION.  We are pursuing something that could leave me pain free right afterwards.  But, no help from our insurance.  Denied.  

Why don't they want me to get better?  (I ask this like a little child, whining, half-crying)  Kind of like, "why Daddy God haven't you brought the healing yet?  You gave me a prophecy almost 5 years ago!" 

I am so stubborn - but I am determined.  I SAID I AM DETERMINED.  I am totally determined to get better, to get free from pain.  I KNOW IT IS POSSIBLE!!!  God isn't telling me "just do nothing and wait for my miracle."  If told me that, I would just rest in that.  

A while back, my mother and many others told me they kept hearing "rest" when praying for me.  I've physically rested - that is not it - cause it's basically impossible to rest with all this on my mind and heart.  I don't know anymore.  

I am not sure I have asked for prayer on here for a long time.  I haven't even blogged since November.

1. Please pray that I hear clearly from God as to what to do with my health
2. Please pray that insurance changes their mind and covers the procedure if that is what I am to do (which I am fairly certain is)
3. Please pray that in the meantime, we are miraculously sustained.  

Thank you.

Fight PNE.