Grieving

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. Life is emotional, busy, complicated, dramatic, frustrating, joyful, all wrapped in one.

But right now, it's full of some grief.

Definitions and explanations:

Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Grief may be triggered by the death of a loved one. People also can experience grief if they have an illness for which there is no cure, or a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. The end of a significant relationship may also cause a grieving process.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are common stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss. People's responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the death.

For example, if the person who died had a chronic illness, the death may have been expected. The end of the person's suffering might even have come as a relief. If the death was accidental or violent, coming to a stage of acceptance might take longer.

Symptoms

There can be five stages of grief. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:

• Denial, disbelief, numbness

• Anger, blaming others

• Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")

• Depressed mood, sadness, and crying

• Acceptance, coming to terms

What I suffer with out of the above: anger, depressed mood, sadness and crying. At some times, I feel like I've come to a place of TEMPORARY acceptance. However, due to my faith in Jesus and that He died for not only my sins but all my diseases and illnesses, it is temporary. I cannot lose faith that I will be completely healed.

Today I talked with a PNE friend and jabbered about our mutual illness. We are both so confused as to which way to turn. Why didn't I just open my mouth and start talking about Jesus instead of rationalizing over this doctor and that doctor? France or Arizona? Cut the ligaments or go a different route and risk re-scarring? Spend a ton of money or get it covered by insurance? Longer recovery or shorter recovery? Less nerve handling or more nerve handling? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lord, let it be well with my soul.

In my own self, I cannot deal with this. I cannot bear this anymore. I take ten steps forward and it seems like eleven back. I grieve because I didn't think my life would EVER be this way. Never in my wildest dreams. I'm the girl that still doesn't take ibuprofen for a headache.

God, why do you put me through so many fiery trials? I know it's for Your glory, Lord.

Why can't I hear more from you, Lord? Just trust and believe.

I am so motherly. I would love more children. The doctor said no more pregnancies. All I really ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I am. But, God, I am SO NOT THE WIFE AND MOTHER I WANT TO BE!!! I AM SO HELPLESS!!! HALF THE TIME, I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE A WIFE AND A MOTHER! I FEEL LIKE A NOTHING, AN ICE PACK, A HEATING PAD, AN ELECTRIC SHOCK, A MESSED UP PELVIS.

I want to minister with my voice again. I am so sick of not singing with the PGC. I can't take it. I truly felt my ministry was alive there. Why take me away from it, Lord? Just trust Me.

Will I ever have another baby, a sibling for A? If it's in My will, but until then, you focus on Me and your healing first.

Oh, Lord, what song best fits my grief? Give me a song, Lord God.

You know me, Lord. You've searched my soul. You've given new life to me. You bring me joy, you bring me fire, Lord. You know me, Jesus. You know me, Lord.

You know me, Lord. Each step I take... you knew before, the world was made. You formed my innermost being. Jesus, you alone, You know me, Lord.

So Lord tonight, as I grieve... you knew this day, you knew it'd be. I won't forget, Lord, the joy you've brought to me. You saved my soul, you gave me fire, you've given me everything, Lord... You will most certainly heal me.

You know me, Lord. You know my heart. You know my faith at times, can seem so small. But Lord, you knew this day'd be here... You give me hope, Lord. You give me words, Lord. You say to me, Lord, TRUST AND BELIEVE.