Holding on

Life has been testy lately. The patience is wearing thin in this household. Our daughter will be 3 soon, which means three years of the biggest blessing (her life) and the biggest curse (my PNE). Would I change it?

NEVER.

The last few weeks, I have come to understand the depth of the blessing the Lord has given me in A. She is so wise, so smart, so intuitive, so creative, such a mixture of J and I, it's just wonderful. She is potty training, and being the strong-willed toddler that she is, has been giving us a run for our money. It's so odd, but through her recent struggles with constipation and fear of "it hurting", I have learned how much a mother can love.

While holding her in my arms, (laying on the floor, of course, for now, at least) after she cried her eyes out after we had to wipe her sore bum, she said through her tears, "Dr. Hibner will fix my bottom." I just burst into tears myself. My angel. My sweet angel. Oh, how she has listened to my pain, and agonized with me in her own innocent, baby way these first three years of her life! Every night, we pray for Dr. Hibner and everyone with PNE. We pray for their knowledge and wisdom, strength and determination to help those suffering with this horrible condition. She's been hearing the prayers of myself and my husband since we started praying with her at about 16 months of age. And now, when her tiny, baby bottom hurts due to diaper rash, she wants Dr. Hibner to fix her. How sweet! I said, "honey, you'll never have to go to Dr. Hibner, I promise, but he WILL help mommy, and he has helped many other people like mommy."

My thoughts change a bit now. We know I need an anterior approach to surgery. While we pray, and wait, as I type here tonight, a calm comes over me. I haven't even been going to church that much lately, or reading my Bible, or have even felt close to God much because of all the stress and pain. But, I know that the Lord Jesus Christ PROMISED ME that I would be completely healed. I will tell you what the enemy of my soul tries to tell me. "Oh, you're just HOPING that with your NEXT surgery, whenever that may be or whomever does it, that you'll get better, but you'll just end up right where you're still at, on the couch with an ice pack. " Or, "you've got just one more shot to get it right, or it's a LIFETIME OF CHRONIC PAIN, PILLS, AND THIS!" Bwahahahahahaha! Devil, get thee behind me! You SUCK! You are a rotten, dirty, bold-faced LIAR. You couldn't keep Christ in the grave, and you can't keep ME from getting my HEALING.

I've gotta get my boldness back --- my loudmouth --- shouting it loud and proud that God will heal me of this rare, mysterious illness. Yes, in the flesh, I am scared. But I know one thing, I was given a VOICE to sing His praises and I will SPEAK his mercies until He is merciful to let me sing again. Until then, my sweet angel A will sing in her beautiful baby voice those lovely, made-up songs about how mommy's bottom will be healed.

So sweet, so innocent, so true. She is my voice, my song, for now...

So, look at that picture at the top of this blog entry. Is Jesus still sitting on a cross with his broken body ripped up like roadkill? No. He is waiting to reveal to this family HIS MERCIES, that ENDURETH FOREVER.

God bless all who pray so diligently for my healing and for this family. May you be richly blessed.