A long time comin'

There have been so many people that have emailed me.  Too many to count.  I am so grateful that this blog is touching people across the world.  That is such an answer to prayer.  To all those people who have emailed me, and I haven't responded yet, I want to say:

First of all, THANK YOU.  I'm blessed that you reached out to me, whether it be for help and answers about PN/E, to send me a note of encouragement, or just to find out how I'm doing.  I read your email, and I care about you.  However, I have set time apart for myself, my daughter and husband, and for my time with God, seeking Him about what I am to do forward.  That is the only reason why I haven't answered personal emails to my fightpne@yahoo.com address.  I have to take care of myself and sometimes that means taking a step away from the world of PNE.  I also have been fighting CRPS and neuroplasticity, so it's been tough lately.

But to answer (vaguely - and I apologize) some of the questions:

- Yes, I am much better since my surgery in Austria last October 2011.  I am able to do SO much more!  My walking is much better, almost normal on most days, and sitting IS possible without a cushion or seat, and I can do it for longer periods of time as the months go on.  However, in times of flare up, or whatever the "centrally maintained pain" is --- things get rough.  I won't lie about that.  I don't know what is going on in my brain, spinal cord, pain receptors, central nervous system, peripheral nervous system, pudendal nerve, legs, feet, anything.  I wish I knew... I wish the doctors knew.  The only thing I know I can count on is this:

GOD KNOWS.

He is the ONLY one who knows what is going on with me, and what is to come.... and His word is TRUE and that is what I will continue to rely on - that I will be COMPLETELY healed from this -- ALL of this.... and I will live the abundant life that He promised me (and you-- and all those that believe) in His word.  I will NEVER let go of the prophetic word spoken over me when my daughter was only 4 months old and we didn't know what was wrong with me.  "God wants to heal your nervous system."

I will never let that go and God knows it!  He doesn't want me to let go of it!

God is good --

Sometimes I have bad days --- really bad days.... but God is good.  I argue with Him a lot, and yell at Him, but His love never fails.

What a great God we serve.  He forgives me again and again.

And I will not give up and neither should you!

I will be back advocating and answering personal emails (God willing) sooner than later.

Much love to all

Psalm 103

You cannot hear the notes in my head

Laying your burdens down.
Casting them at the feet of the One who cares for us, cares for us, for us.

Making a way for us.
Opening doors when we can't see through the pain, through the rain, our pain.

See, here I am God.  Here I am and I need you now, need you now, more than ever I need you now.
I'm not here to say what I should, I'm saying I just need You...

Help my family.  Help my child see Your love though yet I suffer.
Help us, Lord, it's been real hard but You are God, You are God.

Set us free, Lord.  Be the medicine that fixes us.
Save us from tomorrow and the pain we've come to anticipate.

Seasons change, another season dawning upon us now.
Why then God must I still go on like this, Lord?

You are loving, You are God, deliver me!  Deliver me, Oh God!

I have been here so many years, time and again but God you have seen me
Through all the pain, please stay the same, and help now, help now.

Let my song come through.  Let my song come through.  Hear my heart sing now
The heart that yearns to praise You again!

God of mercy, be our help, be our refuge, be it all.
We can't do it without you, God, see us crying, we need you now...

Make my melody again.  Hear the praise for You again.

Here I am, God, set me free God.  Release me, release me, release me!!

Set me as a seal upon Your heart.
Set my feet on the Rock of Your love.

God.....
Make a way....

Somehow

I just started to write...

There will be a day and it will be soon When I will sit at my piano and have no pain. I will write songs into You, my God and King And I will not even have a memory of suffering. Because in Your mercy You will have delivered me From the pain of the past. You will restore to me more than I could ever imagine. It will seem as a miracle But really it is just your love for me And my desire to serve You fully once again Will finally be fulfilled. Peace is all I ask for today Confirmation. And an end. Thank You Jesus

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked came against me To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes, They stumbled and fell. Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me, In this I will be confident. One thing I have desired of the Lord, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to inquire in His temple. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face,” My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.” Do not hide Your face from me; Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me. Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! (Psalm 27:1-14 NKJV)

Ahhh, so this is the post I thought my phone deleted

My faith is really being put to the test. I am experiencing some very "not so good" moments that throw me back into the past. In so many ways, I want to relinquish the past AND future completely and let my thoughts and cares fall only for today, for as the Bible says, today has enough worries of its own. But I fall into the trap of grief, again and again. I know it is a spiritual attack. Why would any force of evil want someone healed, made whole, testify about it, and lead others to the Lord in the process? Do I start throwing out my "get thee behind me, Satan"'s again? Honestly, I'm tired. I got a suggestion to keep doing spiritual warfare and put on my full armor. A Christian would know what that means. So, when my eyes open in the morning, do I say this to the enemy who wants to devour me? I can't. Right now, I am really weak (spiritually.) I am not white-flaggin' it to the devil though. I'm just being honest. I am so spiritually blocked right now though- I need a breakthrough- and that is only something that intercessory prayer can break. The Lord knew and knows my days before I was even formed. He knew I would write this blog post realizing my own inadequacy and my need for an "e-blast" of prayer. So I guess I will do what He says and rest in it. Rest. Today when I was driving home from dropping off my daughter at Vacation Bible School- I thought, "I would like to volunteer, with my daughter, to sing and talk and pray with young children who are in more pain than I could ever be." I was getting a thought for an avenue of ministry. Almost immediately, the enemy comes in with "but you can't do that, because you'll never be well enough for that." Now, you can see why I need a total mind overhaul. What happened to my faith? I have it somewhere- right? God- give me the grace and mercy that I need to continue to believe, that even despite these trials- that YOUR Word promises my complete health! Revive me, Holy Spirit, and send Your fire to burn with fervor again. Show me how to walk in Your Word. Show me how to TALK in Your Word. Show me that You are THAT YOU ARE!!!! Fight my battle, Jesus! Give me the faith again to TRUST You completely!!! You are ALL power, Lord! You will deliver-- IF-- I trust You. And, in your mercy, guide the hands of my surgeon, Prof Aszmann, as he operates on my dear friend tomorrow. You PROMISED us, God! Thank you, Jesus. I need a whole lotta sermon from Dr Herb Jones right now. I need some spiritual backhands!!! People speak it to me, I am open to what the Lord wants to say through you! Ughhhh- God just set me free from this. My ice packs burning in hell is long overdue.

Giving it to God

This has got to be one of the worst days.  Nothing terrible happened, no tragedies, or level 10 pain, but today is one of the first in a long time that I have realized that I just don't have words to describe how I feel anymore.  In believing that the Lord God Almighty knows when I sit and when I stand, the words that come out of my mouth before I speak them, and the thoughts that come into my head, I have to just stand back.  I need to get this crazy spirit of guilt or punishment or grief or whatever off of me and just get into my rightful place of mercy and grace, since I am a believer in God's promises.  I am trying so hard to get things going with The Pelvic Messenger --- me and my partner, both.  What a lot of people may not realize is that neither of us are completely on the other side of the fence yet.  We ain't ridin' "home free" if you know what I mean.  PELVIC PAIN IS OF THE DEVIL.  I am so sick of this!  Reader, you are seeing a lot of sides of me right now.  That's what stream-of-consciousness is, I guess.  


I had a whole blog post written and I was writing it from my phone and it deleted it.  So, here I go again.  In life, there are three spectrums of time, I guess.  Past, present and future.  Lately, I confess, I have been grieving the past and DREADING the future.  Now, what kind of spirit is THAT?  That is a messed up spirit trying to bother me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  And, another loud sigh comes out of my soul.....


I would like to let anyone who reads this far know that I am doing better since my surgery almost 8 months ago.  However, I have hit a large stumbling block in my recovery and it's got me down.  THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.  Writing is easier than weeping, sometimes, I suppose... although I've done my fair share of that today --- thank goodness I was alone... but sometimes, I don't really care.  I am who am.  I am real.  


I want to go out in the world.  I have dreams.  I want to speak to many people about this, on a small scale and large scale.  I want to bring hope to hurting people.  I want to live victoriously.  I want to sit and have coffee with someone suffering and give them Jesus and the way out.  The work I do for The Pelvic Messenger is part of that.  It is my ministry - I will make Jessica's part of it my own, and that is the freedom with which I am given.  But, I must not forget my VOICE.  The enemy tries to make me forget about that.  Says, "you ain't got it no mo'!"  WHAT?  What a liar.  


I have a dream today --- so my dream is to learn Villa-Lobos "Bachianas Brasilenas" for soprano and cello sextet.  Can I pull it off?  Large, through-the-nose exhalation...


If you love me, send me an email and tell me what I need to do to shape up my mind.  I am all for criticism, rebuke, anything.  I am being a freaking loon here.  I need to get back on track.  Yes, there is pain and it is flared and I don't know why it persists, but maybe it has for this long so that you would read this and send me an email.  I don't know.  Who knows.  


It is long past the time that my ice packs were supposed to be off burning in hell --- help me get to that point, merciful God.


Today, I thought about the beautiful music of Glenn Burleigh's "Purpose - Nia" and thought about well, God, what is my purpose?  If I had half a sane brain cell right now, I'd realize that the song simply says "I was born to love the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength."  This is my purpose.  So, I need to get back to that place, then all the rest will fall right in.


Help me out by giving me a swift kick (virtual) in the rear and tell me to shape up.  


Or as I say to my daughter, "straighten up and fly right."  


I'm just giving it to you, God.

I will run

I have had this on my mind ever since the weather got nicer. I will run again. I will really run. I will run and run and run... Maybe away for awhile. But literally, I will run. With. No. Pain.

Flare=Fear

First off, the road to recovery has hit a major pothole. I will not lie, I am discouraged beyond belief. I just cannot give up hope, though. I have had so many reeling thoughts: am I done with the healing process and this is as far as I'll get? Was last month's sitting and doing stuff with zero pain just a fluke? I am full of emotions. It is hard to fall down the ladder a few rungs. I haven't even been able to hear clearly from God for direction-- I've literally woken up, knelt in the corner like a child, and cried out to Him for direction for everything from my thoughts to what I will do with my day in order not to make things worse and hopefully to make things better. In my heart, I HAVE to believe that God will honor my prayers and my transparency with Him- I mean, He knows it all anyways, right? Simple lyrics from the very anointed song that I've posted before: "I'll fight your battles-- IF YOU WILL ONLY TRUST ME." Ok- how? My mind is so muddy. So, I need peace. God promises that and many other things in His Word. Like this: Protection: The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV) - From Bible Promises for iPhone http://biblepromises.reigndesign.com/ Mercy needed. I need mercy to not even have fear. Pain is physical and real... But sovereign over all is God. His will is for m to have life to the fullest. He knows the desires of my heart. He who began a good work in me (my healing) will surely complete it. Jessica just needs prayers tonight. And I am so ready to be covered again.

Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Today on The Pelvic Messenger we are proudly presenting another show with Dr. A. Lee Dellon as our guest.  Dr. Dellon has graciously agreed to do an entire show for The Pelvic Messenger just taking patient's calls and answering their questions live on the show.  Please call in at: (323) 693-3847 starting at 2PM Eastern Standard Time.   Elisabeth Rutman Oas will be hosting today.

Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Pelvic Messenger Dr. Fred Howard founder of the IPPS 06/05 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Pelvic Messenger Dr. Fred Howard founder of the IPPS 06/05 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Supporting Artists for a Good Cause

Wanted to share this with everyone that reads my blog.  While it doesn't have to do directly with PNE, my friend Victor was one of the students attending the American Institute of Musical Studies that shared his Bible with me and some materials/cds from his church in Baltimore, MD, when I gave my life to the Lord in Graz, Austria in 2004.  Good luck to you, Victor and Mikael!





Kickstarter Link - Supporting Victor and Mikael - Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"

The "Glory" Cloud

Some may think this is crazy... and trust me, it is truly an individual experience... but have you ever seen a glimpse of the glory of God?  What does this mean?  To some, it's not about God, per se; it may mean reaching a "zen" moment (I do not know much about this), being "one with the universe," or feeling such self-satisfaction at accomplishing something or finally achieving something that the world is completely in the palm of one's hand.  I could remember times before I became a born-again believer, I would have these moments at times and feel so confident, like I could conquer the world.  Every hair was in place, my eyes sparkled with excitement, self-assurance, and pride, my outfit was stunning and flattered all the right places, and most often, that moment was connected to singing.  When I would nail an aria like it was no one's business,  maintain complete, calculated control under a soaring high D, or portray the essence of a piece of lied or mélodié with graceful aplomb, I was in my "glory cloud."  Perhaps it was after an intimate conversation with a significant other, or a dash through the Austrian rain in my bare feet (all precious memories) that I experienced such heightened bliss.  All of these moments have been glorious in their own way; there is nothing on the contrary to say that they were not anything but.  However, since rededicating my life to the Lord God, I have to say with confidence that there is nothing like the cloud of God's glory.

This sounds mysterious.  To even make sense of it myself, I must turn to the scriptures and point a few things out.  Now, by no means am I a Bible scholar.  I am opening up another window and looking this up on www.biblegateway.com 

So after typing in "God's glory," I find this:

2 Chronicles 5

New King James Version (NKJV)

5 So all the work that Solomon had done for the house of the Lord was finished; and Solomon brought in the things which his father David had dedicated: the silver and the gold and all the furnishings. And he put them in the treasuries of the house of God.

The Ark Brought into the Temple

² Now Solomon assembled the elders of Israel and all the heads of the tribes, the chief fathers of the children of Israel, in Jerusalem, that they might bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord up from the City of David, which is Zion. ³ Therefore all the men of Israel assembled with the king at the feast, which was in the seventh month. ⁴ So all the elders of Israel came, and the Levites took up the ark. ⁵ Then they brought up the ark, the tabernacle of meeting, and all the holy furnishings that were in the tabernacle. The priests and the Levites brought them up. ⁶ Also King Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel who were assembled with him before the ark, were sacrificing sheep and oxen that could not be counted or numbered for multitude. ⁷ Then the priests brought in the ark of the covenant of the Lord to its place, into the inner sanctuary of the temple,^[a] to the Most Holy Place, under the wings of the cherubim. ⁸ For the cherubim spread their wings over the place of the ark, and the cherubim overshadowed the ark and its poles. ⁹ The poles extended so that the ends of the poles of the ark could be seen from the holy place, in front of the inner sanctuary; but they could not be seen from outside. And they are there to this day. ¹⁰ Nothing was in the ark except the two tablets which Moses put there at Horeb, when the Lord made a covenant with the children of Israel, when they had come out of Egypt.
¹¹ And it came to pass when the priests came out of the Most Holy Place (for all the priests who were present had sanctified themselves, without keeping to their divisions), ¹² and the Levites who were the singers, all those of Asaph and Heman and Jeduthun, with their sons and their brethren, stood at the east end of the altar, clothed in white linen, having cymbals, stringed instruments and harps, and with them one hundred and twenty priests sounding with trumpets— ¹³ indeed it came to pass, when the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of music, and praised the Lord, saying:

“For He is good,
For His mercy endures forever,”^[b]

that the house, the house of the Lord, was filled with a cloud, ¹⁴ so that the priests could not continue ministering because of the cloud; for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.

(I added the highlights to the above passage.)  It was so precious what I experienced this past weekend as I sang (ministered) as a soloist and as a choir member at the 5th Anniversary Celebration Concert of The Pittsburgh Gospel Choir.  Not only was I completely humbled that Dr. Jones would take the time to explain to the massive audience a bit of my testimony, about how one year ago this same woman about to sing could not walk or sit without massive pain (not to mention the emotional bondage and turmoil in my mind and heart), but I was just stilled at the Glory of what God Almighty has/had done in my life.  The audience gave shouts of praise for my healing, and marveled when Dr. Jones remarked that I had traveled to Vienna to have surgery and that God would divinely CHOOSE the surgeon as His vessel to bring forth healing in this body of mine!

We always used to remark that "wouldn't it be such a powerful testimony if you were MIRACULOUS healed in a moment, Jessica?"  Surely God could do that.  Even as twinges of a flare still pulse through my body at times, I am still unfortunately led to a place of not trusting wholeheartedly in God's promise of being completely restored.  So -- again, I am lead to study more about fear and how it is the opposite of faith... anyways... back to the original point.

The "Glory Cloud."  As an artist, there is a moment when you are onstage and the stage lights illuminate your face so strongly that you feel completely in your element during the song you sing, the scene you portray, the point you try to get across to your audience.  It's glorious.  It's illuminated.  I can remember one particular time when the beauty of a Strauss vocal line brought me to actual tears when singing the role of Sophie in Der Rosenkavalier.  That is really frowned upon -- breaking that line between true human emotion and portrayed emotion -- but it was simply impossible during the incredible duet,  "Ist ein Traum / Spür' nur dich".   Incredible.

So, developing this deeper, I go back to the Glory Cloud and add "God" to it.  It is a place where you are simply seeing gold auras around people, when there is a sweet heaviness to your immediate environment, and an intimacy and peace that only the Father can bring.  Sometimes, there is stillness and quiet.  At other times there is intensity and evolvement of that intensity into something tangible.

Reflecting upon the miracle done thus far in my life through the healing I have experienced, I can only describe the moment below as "basking in the light of His presence."  I, as a Levite, was set at perfect peace as I set forth to minister Moses Hogan's arrangement of the Negro spiritual, "There's a Man Goin' Round."  To live in that Glory Cloud would be nothing short of being in Heaven at His throne.  And you see why I want to sing.  And to testify about what He took me out of and continues to walk me through.

My brain and why I don't like how it rhymes with "pain"

I really have been doing so much better.  I cannot give God enough praises.  It's like I almost feel unworthy of His blessings.  What a lie from the devil. 

I have been getting so much stronger.  My physical therapist is such a sweet person.  She is more like a friend - but equally phenomenal therapist.  She has the amazing ability to put you at such ease when doing things to your pelvic floor.  For those that may not know what the means, the pelvic floor is, well, your "land where the sun don't shine."  Now that I have explained it to you...

What hurts the most is the connective tissue and scar mobilization.  Scars hurt.  I guess that is why they are scars.  I was born with a very ugly looking birthmark that fully covered the inside of my entire right arm, underarm, half of my right breast, and a portion of my back.  It was not one of those red or port-wine stained birthmarks; rather, it was a raised, flesh colored, bumpy, scaly looking lizard-thing.  When I was 12, I had two surgeries to remove it.  The first surgery is where two skin expanders were placed to expand clear portions of skin adjacent to the birthmark.  I had them injected with saline twice a week, once by my plastic surgeon, and once by my mom, a nurse.  They ended up looking like two huge breast implants: one above my right breast and the other on my back below the shoulder blade.  Not so easy to cover up or explain when I was quite the insecure young adolescent 12 year old.  After six weeks, I went back into surgery where the skin expanders were removed and the birthmark cut out and the stretched skin sewn together in what now (at age 31) looks like a HOT mess!!  Oh, but I've lived with that hideous scar for almost 20 years now.  I wonder what the birthmark would have looked like at this point.  That scar STILL hurts -- not the same of course, as it did 20 years ago, but I still cannot have anyone lift me holding under my arms (like I would a child).

So, the point is, scars stretch, and scars fade.  I am cranky, I suppose, from my brain realizing an increase in pain from the recent scar mobilizations (not to mention jumping up and down like a wild woman at gospel choir rehearsal last night -- but it's really muscle pain, and not nerve pain, from the jumping, that is).  And, the jumping was for good reason -- praising God almighty for the miracle of me standing there singing in ZERO out of 10 pain when one year ago I could hardly walk.

I'm guilty tonight of fear.  In the past 4 weeks, I have not realized pain over a level 5, and I think that was really only on one particular occasion.  But, fear reared its ugly head today after those mobilizations.  The sky was so gray, and the rain so dense... it just set me into an ugly mood.  I put myself to work, accomplishing many things.

But, what comes to mind right now is this:

1 Peter 5:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because^[a] your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 

 Isn't that the truth?  Of course, he would want to devour ME --- all I do is give the Lord praise, thank God, try my hardest to walk in holiness (I fail miserably, but, "we fall down, and we get up") raise my child, love my neighbors, be an encouragement, be a blessing, be a witness.  Last night at gospel choir rehearsal, Pastor Kevin said "do you REALLY trust Him (Jesus)?"  We had just finished rehearsing "Trust Me" by Richard Smallwood.  He asked the choir three times.  Each time, my response was "YES!"  How could I not trust Him in that moment?  I was sitting on the beautiful slate floor of the cathedral with literally no pain, having just sung the most heavenly melodies written by the hands of such an anointed songwriter, in the company of my beloved choir family (who prayed and probably still does pray for me without ceasing), practically seeing the cloud of Glory itself fill the space.  But now -- in this moment -- when I am laying here flared up again, "brain thinking pain" once again... 

I am so human.  

Well, isn't that a good thing?  Better to be a human than a robot, or an alien, I suppose!

I am so real.

I am just as fragile as you are.  But in HIM, I can do ALL things.  Only in HIM.  Not in Jessica.  I can do many, many, many wonderful things in Jessica, but not tonight.  My own mind isn't strong enough to fight even a tiny little flare on my own.  You might ask, "why always turn it around to Jesus?  Give yourself some credit, Jessica."  But you see, without Christ in ME, I am really nothing.  For it is He who breathes fresh hope and fullness of joy into each moment of my life. 

Thank you, God, once again.  

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Death has lost its sting

I have never seen a fight so valiant as the one my grandmother has been fighting.  When she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Terminal Neuroendocrine Cancer (tumors in the mediastinum, lungs, and brachial plexus) in the summer of 2009, I was with her at her first oncology appointment.  She bravely took the news and said, "I will do it all.  I will take all the treatments."  And so, she did, and I took her to get her a beautiful wig and watched her brave face, looking in the mirror at her reflection-- all the while, noticing a certain sadness rimming her eyes.  And the jokes that would come after her hair fell out and we just buzzed it off... "so much easier than setting it in rollers!" she would joke.  And then the illnesses due to reduced immunity... the innumerable hospitalizations... then the sadness in her voice not for her failing health but for her granddaughter's failing health and the agony it caused her to watch my young life being taken away by Pudendal Nerve Entrapment.  But, she did not focus on herself.  She would always ask about ME and say how much she was praying for MY HEALING and that all her friends were praying fervently for me, and my physicians, and all the medical trips I went on.  She and I declined together, in our own different ways... the tumors growing but not causing her tremendous pain... yet... her granddaughter... unable to sit or hold her only child.  Oh, the agony on her face as she watched in silence my heart's pain.  But yet, she prayed on.  She stayed on.  She fought through the odds --- even responding to the 3rd line treatment, though the physician stated the response rate as less than 5%.  And the sadness that she felt when, still, I wasn't responding to treatment.  The pain from the cancer started to overtake her right as I was nearing my breaking point, and plans were made to go to Vienna.  She was aware, despite her fogginess from all the pain medications, various other medications, etc., that her granddaughter would travel around the world for her healing, that God promised her, and she laid it all out and prayed for Prof Aszmann and that his hands would be anointed by God almighty.  She never truly understood, (I think) how I really became better, and was continuing to get better, because she rapidly declined.  But, God in His mercy allowed me to be well for such a time as this.... to minister to my mother (her full time caregiver, who moved out of state and quit her job to care for she and my 87 year old grandfather), to be able to DRIVE again to rescue her when she was so weary from taking such impeccable care of her mother.  And I came with the only thing I knew... a song upon my lips, rising from the depths of my being out of the Spirit of God that lives within me.  Now, she is at an inpatient facility, by God's grace, and I had the implicit pleasure of having FOUR generations of women (well, my daughter is only 3) along with my Pastor praying with her, holding her, and me leading us in song -- songs led only by the Spirit of the Lord and the love and appreciation I have for this frail old Ukrainian woman, Irenschka (Irene).  I looked at her in the eyes and said "I am sitting here today because of all the times you hit your knees in prayer for my healing, and God is FULFILLING HIS PROMISE."  I SIT HERE.  Glory to God.  I sang to her in old Slavonic, Christos Voskres (Christ is Risen - by death He conquered death and to those in the graves He granted life.)  Lord, May you continue to be glorified even in our suffering, but in Your divine Mercy and plan, let her eyes open next only in Heaven.

And, reader, if you should read on, read this portion from an essay by John Angell James, 1859, entitled "Christian Hope."

But I now turn with delight to the bright and beautiful contrast, "The righteous has hope in his death." This is one of the few passages in the Old Testament which refer to a future state. "A splendid testimony of the knowledge of the Old Testament believers of a future life. The wicked in his calamity, is agitated with the greatest terror. He knows not where to turn. But the godly, in this last evil, has no fear, he knows to whom to flee, and where he is going. He dies in God's grace, and in an assured confidence of the salvation of his soul, and of the glorious resurrection of the body."

That same hope which sustained the Christian under the afflictions, and purified him amid the temptations and corruptions of life, follows him to the sorrows of death, and the pains of the grave. The same grand and glorious object which had excited his desires and raised his expectations in life, appears still more glorious as it is now near at hand. He rests upon the same foundation, and Christ is still his hope. He may be able, thankfully and even triumphantly, to say, with the apostle, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith; henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord the righteous Judge shall bestow upon me in that day." He does not leave the Savior's righteousness to trust his own. The labors, the sacrifices, the holy doings of a whole life, spent in the service of God—add nothing to the entireness and strength of his dependence upon Christ.

Never, no never, do the sins of his life appear more sinful, nor his righteousness more defective and worthless, to the believer, than when he is dying. Never does he appear less meritorious, less worthy—than when he views his character, his conduct, himself—in the light of an opening eternity. It is then, that with a deeper humiliation than ever, he cries, "God be merciful to me a sinner." It is then, that he strips off with a holy indignation the last rag and tatter of self-righteousness, and wraps himself more closely in the robe of Christ's righteousness. And he does hope. Yes. Even the near prospect of his naked soul standing in the immediate presence of a holy God, and with a clear view of all his past sins—does not deprive him of his hope. "I can die," he says; "I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded he is able to keep that which I have committed to him until that day."

Then, when all other hopes are extinguished, this remains. The worldling's expectations all die, not only with him—but before him. He sees one after another failing him. As regards his health, he struggles long against the evidence of increasing decay, and approaching death; until at length the last possibility of recovery vanishes, and he sullenly says, "Well, I feel I must die." In that sentiment is included the failure of all other expectations—his flattering prospects in life, his incipient prosperity, his cherished connections—all fade before his eye like some beautiful vision vanishing in thin air—and he has nothing left. Even the Christian is subject to all this; he too, sees every earthly hope about to expire in death. Yes—but as these stars of the night pale before him, they are lost in the blaze of the rising sin. His earthly expectations dissolve in the bright illumination of heaven's eternal day which already dawns upon his soul. To the question, "What do I have left—when wife, children, home, fortune, prospects, are taken from me?" he exultingly exclaims, "heaven and immortality!"

This makes him willing to go. He dies by his own consent. It is a glad surrender—not a forcible ejection. It is a voluntary departure—not an unwilling separation. The Christian mariner weighs anchor, sets the sails, catches the breeze, turns the helm and prow of his vessel towards the shore of eternity, and sails with an abundant entrance into the haven of eternal rest. He is not driven in, as by the force of the tempest, against his will, and half a wreck. He can take death by his cold hand without a shudder, and bid him welcome. "I can smile at death," said a dying saint, "because my Savior smiles on me." He finds it a solemn thing to die, to go from world to world, to plunge into eternity, to meet God face to face—but he can do it with composure, and, in many cases, with triumph. He descends to the dark valley with the triumphant challenge, "O death, where is your sting? O grave, where is your victory? Rejoice not against me, O my enemy, for though I fall, I shall arise; and however unworthy, I shall live and reign through our Lord Jesus Christ."

It is not an uncommon case for those whose hope was feeble all through life, to have it increased and strengthened in their dying moments. The hands that have hung down—have then been lifted up. The knees that were ever feeble—have been then strengthened. The harp, so often unstrung and hung upon the willows, has then been taken down, tuned afresh, and struck to the swan-like song of the dying saint, whose lips, until then, had uttered only strains of doubt and fear. It is marvelous to see in how many cases the timid and desponding have become bold, confident, and rejoicing in the very face of the last enemy, and under his uplifted arm, brandishing the fatal dart—which for anything they knew, would the next hour pierce them through. What an encouragement to the living, to anticipate that they shall be enabled to hope in death.

Go forward, you fearful believer, there is nothing so terrible to a Christian in death, as your perturbed imagination leads you to suppose. Like every other evil, death diminishes in appearance as you approach it. The Sun of Righteousness often shines vertically over the valley of death. The "excellent glory" sends out its beams into that gloomy pass, to allure the traveler onward. The lights are seen in the windows of his Father's house, and Christ will send out the ministering angels to convoy you to his presence; and, more than this—he himself will come to meet you. He has told you so. Believe him. Expect him. He says, "Fear not, I am with you." Respond to the gracious promise, and say, "I will fear no evil, though I walk through the valley, not only of the shadow of death—but the valley of death itself, if you are with me."

But is there no need of admonition, admonition, and rebuke, to many professing Christians on this subject? Is there not a "sinful love of life" to be overcome, and an equally "sinful dread of death"? Is there not a practical denial of their hope of immortality in the dread with which many, yes, most, look on to the hour of dissolution? Do not infidels and worldlings, with cutting irony, sometimes reproach us, and tell us that we do not believe in heaven, or we would be more willing to go to it. We belie our professions of faith and hope, and should have less love of life and fear of death. "If we believed," they say, "as you do, we would be impatient to die." We deserve the rebuke, and let us profit by it. How forcibly does John Howe expostulate with us, in reference to this unwillingness to die, in the last chapter of his transcendently glorious work, entitled "The Blessedness of the Righteous," a work which as a whole is one of the most sublime treatises in the English or any other language. And how earnestly does Baxter follow up the same subject in the words with which I will close this section:

"What was it that rejoiced you all your life, in your prayers, and sufferings, and labors? Was it not the hope of heaven? And was heaven the spring and motive of your obedience, and the comfort of your life? And yet will you pass into it with heaviness? And shall your approaches to it be your sorrows? Did you pray for that which you would not have? Have you labored for it, and denied yourself the pleasures of the world for it—and now are you afraid to enter in? Fear not, poor soul! Your Lord is there; your husband, and your head, and life is there, you have more there, a thousand-fold more, than you have here. Here you must leave poor mourning friends, that languish in their own infirmities, and troubled you as well as comforted you while you were with them—and that are hastening after you, and will shortly overtake you. And there you shall find the souls of all the blessed saints that have lived since the creation until this age. There all are unclothed of the rags of their mortality, and have laid by their frailties with their flesh—and are made up of holiness, and prepared for joy, and will be suitable companions for you in your joys.

"Why should you be afraid to go the way that all the saints have gone before you? Where there is one on earth, how many are there in heaven? And one of them is worth many of us. Are you better than Noah, and Abraham, and David? than Peter, and Paul, and all the saints? Or do you not love their names, and would you not be with them? Are you hesitant to leave your friends on earth? and have you not far better and more friends in heaven? Why then are you not as hesitant to stay apart from them? Suppose that I, and such as I, were the friends that you are hesitant to leave; what if we had died long before you? If it be our company that you love, you should then be willing to die, that you may be with us. And if so, why then should you not be more willing to die, and be with Christ, and all his holy ones, that are so much more excellent than we? Would you have our company? Go, then, willingly, to that place where you shall have it to everlasting; and be not so hesitant to go from here, where neither you nor we can stay. Had you rather travel with us, than dwell here with us? And rather here suffer with us, than reign in heaven with Christ and us?

"Oh! what a brutish thing is flesh! What an unreasonable thing is unbelief! Shall we believe, and fly from the end of our belief? Shall we hope, and be hesitant to enjoy our hopes? Shall we desire and pray, and be afraid of attaining our desires, and lest our prayer should be heard? Shall we spend our lives in labor and travel, and be afraid of coming to our journey's end? Do you love life—or do you not? If not, why are you afraid of death? If you do, why then are you hesitant to pass into everlasting life? You know there is no hope of immortality on earth. Hence you must pass, whether you will or not, as all your fathers have done before you. It is therefore in heaven, or nowhere, that endless life is to be had. If you can live here forever, do. Hope for it, if any have done so before you. Go to some man of a thousand years old, and ask him how he made shift to draw out his life so long. But if you know that every man walks here in a vain show, and that his life is a shadow, a dream, a vapor—and that all these things shall be dissolved, and the fashion of them passes away—is it not more reasonable that we should set our hearts on the place where there is hope of our continuance, than where there is none? And where we must live forever, than where we must be but for so short a time?

"Alas! poor darkened, troubled soul! Is the presence of Christ less desirable in your eyes than the presence of such sinful worms as we, whom you are hesitant to part with? Is it more grievous to you to be absent from us—than from your Lord? Is it more grievous to you to be absent from earth—than from heaven? Is it more grievous to you to be absent from sinners—than from blessed saints? Is it more grievous to you to be absent from trouble and frailty—than from glory? Have you anything here that you shall desire in heaven? Alas, that we should thus draw back from happiness, and follow Christ so heavily and sadly into life! But all this is owing to the enemies that now molest our peace. Indwelling sin, and a flattering world, and a brutish flesh, and interposing death—are our discouragements that drive us back. But all these enemies shall shortly be overcome!

"Fear not death, then, let it do its worst. It can give you but one deadly grasp that shall kill itself, and prove your life. It is as the wasp that leaves its sting behind, and can sting no more. It shall but snuff the candle of your life, and make it shine brighter when it seems to be put out. It is but an undressing, and a gentle sleep. That which you could not here attain by all our preaching, and all your prayers, and cares, and pains—you shall speedily attain by the help of death. It is but the messenger of your gracious Lord, and calls you to him—to the place that he has prepared for you!"

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Safe in His arms

I am so blessed. At Monday night's Pittsburgh Gospel Choir rehearsal, we rehearsed a beautiful song entitled "Safe in His Arms". I cannot express how much this song affected me that night. The beautiful voice of Donna, the soloist, filled the East Liberty Presbyterian Church cathedral space. The lyrics speak to the heart. Everyone at some point in their life will have some (or many) defining moments where the soul desperately cries out to the Lord, for blessing, answers, wisdom, healing, faith, restoration. But, Oh... the Lord!!! Oh, how He is so willing. Let the song minister to you. Believe BELIEVE my friends. And be humbled because of the sacrifice He made for YOU.

Because the Lord is my shepherd,
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in the meadow's grass
and He leads me beside the quiet streams,
He restoreth my failing health,
and He helps me to do what honors Him the most;
that's why I'm safe, that's why I'm safe,
that's why I'm safe, safe In His arms.

Chorus:
When the storms of life are raging and the billows roll,
I'm glad He shall hide me safe in His arms.

Vamp:
I'm glad He shall hide me.

Ending:
Safe in His arms.
(repeat as desired)

Now, words are beautiful. But a heavenly voice anointed by the Holy Spirit brings much glory to God.

Dr. Kirk Andrew - PNSBDS Protocol - for Chronic Pelvic Pain 04/17 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Dr. Kirk Andrew - PNSBDS Protocol - for Chronic Pelvic Pain 04/17 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Things change...

I happened to read a few of my old blog entries from the very beginning of this blog. Did I ever mention how much I hate the word "blog?" What a dumb word. But, getting back on track, so I re-read some old stuff. In all the posts,there were elements of what I was living with at the current time: what symptoms I was experiencing, what meds I was taking, what upcoming treatments I had going on, what the physicians were recommending for me... and through all the different posts, those things changed. Plans changed. Symptoms came, got worse, were masked by drugs, reactions then happened to drugs, treatment plans changed, moving, changing, moving, changing...

There is a thread of similarity throughout all these posts though -- whether it be about medical things, things from my hurting soul, from my melancholic memories --- and that thread is this:

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the SAME, Yesterday, Today, and FOREVER."

What does that mean to you?

Well, here's what it means to me. In the beginning of this journey, there was a promise, a prophecy, if you will, that the Lord spoke to some unknown lady at Water of Life Community Church in Fontana, California. She saw a young, hurting woman coming up to the altar for prayer at a Sunday evening service. She didn't ask what I was crying about. She didn't ask my name. She simply put her hands on me and said, you are a Precious Daughter in the Lord's sight. God is telling me He wants to heal your nervous system."

Vooooo---doooooooooooo..............! Wait! No! Of course not. It never crossed my mind that what this lady was saying was odd. For when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and asked Him to rule over my life when I was halfway through my Master's program in Opera Performance at the American Institute of Musical Studies in Graz, Austria, in July, 2004, the Holy Spirit dwelled within me. And that same Holy Spirit, who is God, resounded in my hurting soul at that moment and peace filled me and I knew, I knew, that what this unknown woman said would come to be true words. For, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

My situation may have changed. To God be the glory for that. What made me go down dead end roads? Why did I suffer more? Why did I develop Complex Regional Pain Syndrome -- a disease of the entire nervous system - as a result of a failed surgery? You know what... it doesn't matter. Because MY GOD is still the same. He never changes. His promise, HIS WORD is true. (Thank you, Pastor Kurt, for reminding me of that in the summer of 2010 when I wrote it down in my journal).

I am not some super hero. Nor am I some super woman of mountains of faith. I am as fallible and as broken and as much of a sinner as anyone else. I am not special in the world's eye. I am special to my Father. Learning of the true love that God has for me, for Jessica, is more revelation that I have ever asked for or ever believed possible.

What is different and why can't I have that? you might ask.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened unto you."

You really never know until you try.

Prof. Dr. Tibet Erdogru - ROBOTIC Surgery for PNE 04/10 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Prof. Dr. Tibet Erdogru - ROBOTIC Surgery for PNE 04/10 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Schönen, regnerischen Abend...

It is raining here in Pennsylvania. There were moments of blissful sunlight today, and I just smiled up at the sky and thanked God for a simple thing such as warmth. There really is so much to be thankful for...

In the past week, I have been privileged to sing sweet hymns to my dying grandmother, stroking her weary head and cradling her bony body in my arms. I never knew that I could be a ministering angel. Someone put it like this to me, "well, Jessica, she probably cradled you in her arms when you were born... you were her first biological grandchild..." Anyways, what is important is that despite her illness that has lingered on and wracked her body for three painful years now, she has voiced to God her desire to leave this earth and be with Him in Heaven. When I knelt by her bed and cradled her I felt the presence of someone behind me where I at least 5 times looked over my shoulder to see if someone was there. I felt so at peace that I didn't even care if she died in my arms... and I have never been in anyone's presence when they have died before. I pray our merciful God takes her soon.

You know, she always prayed for me and my struggle and BELIEVED for my total healing. Almost 2 years ago, after my TG surgery, she brought me a simple ornamental piece that says "Believe" in script. I have it in my kitchen. I will never stop believing. I have come so far and I give God all the glory for directing me in all the right places. I am so blessed to have had the healing hands of Prof. Oskar Aszmann and Dr. Haibin Wang touch me and help guide me back to the purpose-driven life I so desire to lead. Our physicians deserve more credit! Next time, give them a hug. They may be shocked, but believe me, they deserve it.

I adore my new piano. I am thrilled that when I get up from playing it, the part of me that aches the most is not my pelvic floor or the area where I sit, but my shoulders from tensing up to play the notes with skill and musicality. God is so good! Ohhhh--- glory Hallelujah.

So, as the rain falls, I think to a song that touches me yet to this day, "Even Me."

Lord I hear of showers of blessing thou art scattering full and free

Showers the thirsty soul refreshing, let some drops now fall on me

Even me, Lord, even me, let some drops now fall on me

Even me, Lord, even me, let some drops now fall on me

Father, enlarge my territory. Send me to the nations, if it be Your will. I have my Passport and I'm ready to go. I know You will have me go back to Austria someday. Thank you, God for putting me in contact with Greg Mundis, World Missions Director for the Assemblies of God and the founder and former pastor of Vienna Christian Center. I was so excited to tell him my whole story!!!

Readers, please believe. I love you.

COMPREHENSIVE PELVIC PAIN RETREAT - Donna Carrico WHNP MS 03/29 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

COMPREHENSIVE PELVIC PAIN RETREAT - Donna Carrico WHNP MS 03/29 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Dr. A. Lee Dellon, MD, PhD - Peripheral Nerve Surgeon - LIVE on BlogTalk Radio/ The Pelvic Messenger

FRIENDS, FAMILY, LOVED ONES, PATIENTS!  DO NOT MISS THIS SHOW!  LISTEN AND CALL IN LIVE, AT THIS LINK AT 2:00PM EASTERN TIME ON THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2012.

THIS IS A Peripheral Nerve Surgeon's Perspective on Treating Pudendal and other pelvic nerve entrapments.

In the 90's, Dr. Dellon trained my peripheral nerve surgeon, Prof. Dr. Oskar Aszmann of Vienna.  He has gone on to train many other peripheral nerve surgeons.  We hope and pray that he is training more peripheral nerve surgeons in pudendal neurolysis and neurolysis of other pelvic nerves.  LISTEN IN!


Dr. Dellon here to discuss his experience with PN/PNE 03/22 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

My story

Many have asked to hear a history about what I've been through in my journey. I will attempt to make it clear here, so that I can be of help to others searching for victory over illness and symptoms.

I got pregnant with my daughter in December 2007. It was very easy to get pregnant. I tried only once and was successful. I found out I was pregnant on January 1, 2008. During my early pregnancy, I had to see a high risk OB because I was taking an antidepressant (I had been taking this since age 17 when I struggled with an eating disorder. I tried many times to go off it, but was unsuccessful. The eating disorder ended (praise God) but I still needed the low dose.) I had many ultrasounds. No one said anything abnormal. Everything looked great. During my pregnancy I noticed "hemorrhoid" like symptoms on the left side. Mentioned this to the OB and he said "well, it's rare to have a hemorrhoid on one side only, and you don't really have a hemorrhoid, but I will write you a script for a cream." I noticed that my baby would stay nice and snuggled up on the left side of my uterus. In all the ultrasounds, the techs would always comment how "snug and cozy" she was on that left side, with her growing skull burrowed into the lower left quadrant of my uterus. I never noticed her rolling around in my uterus. She would just poke an arm out here and there, but always on the left side. At about 7 months, the OB said she presented transverse (lying sideways). I was so freaked out because I didn't want a C section. As pregnancy went on, I noticed she was moving less and less. Went for an ultrasound at about 34 weeks and she was A-OK, just snug in there. I would feel her skull so low in that left lower quadrant, nice and low. Well not nice. I worked during the entire pregnancy as a Vocal Director at a Performing Arts Academy and directed many musicals, taught lessons, summer camps, etc. I was very active, walking hills, swimming in my pool on hot California nights after work. She was born on her due date. I started laboring at 4pm that day, went to the hospital by 530pm, walked around until I couldn't take the contractions any more, and via phone the doctor conceded to giving me the epidural when I was 5cm dilated. I was now at peace and rested and they wheeled me to the birthing suite where I just slept and waited. Husband slept and mom slept in the room with me. At about 1030pm I felt a pop despite the epidural (there was no pain, just a pop) and I asked my mom who is a nurse to check and see if my water broke. Well yes, it did. The labor and delivery nurse came in and verified that I was already dilated to 1ocm. Baby coming fast!!! She calls doctor and then comes back and said lets do some test pushes. I am feeling nothing but pressure. I push and my husband sees baby's hair and says, okay, no more test pushing! The doctor isn't here yet! I stop test pushing and vomit (who knows why). Doctor arrives at 1150pm. Baby let loose some meconium so green is oozing from me. Doctor uses vacuum extraction as I am on my third push... performs a fast midline episiotomy...boom, she's out. Low apgar from inhaling meconium, so respiratory therapists are all over her. I see her and she's whisked away to get oxygen. Husband goes with daughter. Mom stays with me as I try to deliver placenta. Placenta does not detatch. Mom watches in horror as the doctor has both hands in me up to his elbows ripping my placenta out of my uterine wall. She later describes this as the most gruesome thing she has ever seen. Doctor declares he has removed all of it, and they do whatever they do to clean me up and doctor leaves, goes back to bed I presume, and I am served a turkey sandwich because I'm starved. Ask nurse how baby is. Husband is still with baby she is doing great and getting oxygen. I am wheeled to my room and wait for epidural to wear off. I see my daughter 5 hours later. I have never had a baby before so didn't know what to expect. Lots of pain in my vaginal/perineal area, like it was ripped apart. She nurses and uterine contractions start. Nursing is a challenge. I try very hard. Bleeding like heck from down under. Told this is normal. I get some ice down there. It's now morning and I want to take a shower. I put makeup on and try to get back in the hospital bed and figure out what I'm supposed to do with my little baby. Her little nose is all smashed to the right.... because she was pressed down so far in that lower left quadrant. I wiggle it around. Will it ever be straight? Yes, says the pediatrician. We leave the hospital.

Fast forward. Nursing is hard. I struggle and struggle. It hurts so bad to sit in the rocker. Is this normal? Mom says yes as I had episiotomy. Stabbing pain! Ouch!!! But baby is crying. Must focus on nursing. Time goes on. 5.5 weeks post partum and I'm still bleeding. Feel like I wake up with a UTI. Only have had one UTI in my life up to this point, which was 8 years prior. Take baby to her check up and mention to her pediatrician that I think I have a UTI... bladder pressure, burning, frequency. Says to go to urgent care. I go, and they say yeah blood in urine (mind you I am still bleeding from birthing this kid). Write me a Rx for Bactrim and I'm off. Three days later, no relief from UTI symptoms. Start to panic. Why is this persisting? Go back to urgent care. They do a culture, change my Rx to Keflex (safe for nursing moms). On my way. Three days later, no relief. Baby is six weeks now. I go to my 6 wk post partum check up. I mention to my OB who delivered her that I have UTI like symptoms. He notices swelling in my urethra and prune-sized blood clots (like chunks) coming out of my vagina. Also notices granuloma on episiotomy site. Cauterizes it with silver nitrate. OUCH ouch OUCH! Takes me in for an ultrasound. I empty my bladder just fine. Tech finds retained products of conception: i.e.: HE DIDN'T GET ALL THE PLACENTA. OB calls to get urine culture results: they are negative. Says due to RPOC, that I need a D&C. In the meantime, he refers me to a urologist for a workup as to why I have these urinary symptoms. Retention, burning, hesitation. Urologist looks at me and says what is this??? I said my OB just cauterized my granuloma at bottom of episiotomy with silver nitrate. He comments that it looks "angry" down there. I press him to give me more antibiotics. Changes me to Macrobid and instructs me to use a hot tub because "these things take time." 8 weeks post partum and I have my D&C, done by the OB that delivered my baby. In and out in 15 minutes. I go home and sleep. Bleeding is stopped in two days. Urinary symptoms persist. There is no infection. What is wrong?

I am referred by OB to a second urologist for a different opinion. He checks me for cystocele - none. Post void residual - none. I mention that I always have this pressure and retention feeling. He gives me Oxytrol patch, an Overactive Bladder patch. Safe for nursing mothers. I am on my way.

Symptoms persist and I am losing control. Baby is colicky, I have no sleep, pain in the pelvis... at 9-10 weeks post partum I begin pelvic floor PT. PT notices my left perineal and intra-vaginal area is very sensitive as compared to right. Presses on bladder - ouch. Tender. Tries internal myofascial release. Calls my urologist and suggests possibility of Interstitial Cystitis. I cringe. HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I DEVELOP IC after having a normal bladder? Urologist isn't convinced I have IC, but agrees to schedule me for Cystoscopy and Hydrodistention under general anethesia at the beginning of January. I will be 4 months post partum.

I am desperate for answers. I search the internet in vain for reasons as to why this has happened. I am hysterical, obsessing about getting better, all the while in so much pelvic pain and trying to care for a colicky newborn. Husband is working 90 hours a week. I have no family in CA. I go to a Sunday night church service - and go up for prayer at the end of service. Our church is 5000 plus members. At this service, there are about 500. Many intercessors line the front of the church, waiting to pray. I walk up to a lady I have never seen. She puts her hands on me and says to me "You are a precious daughter in the Lord's sight. God is telling me He wants to heal your nervous system." She knows nothing about me. NOTHING. Not my name, my reason for walking up for prayer, nothing. God wants to heal your nervous system. God WANTS TO HEAL YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM. January 13, 2009. I write in my journal that God wants to heal my nervous system --- perhaps nerves in the pelvis??? I thank God.

Cystoscopy and Hydrodistension are normal. Bladder fills to 2000ml and only 5% of the bladder wall in one area show petichial hemorrhages. Urologist is stumped. You do not have Interstitial Cystitis. He changes my Overactive Bladder medication to Detrol LA. I stop nursing as I can't handle it anymore. I am in so much agony over what is going on in my pelvis that I need to have a psychiatrist put me on Abilify to help me stop ruminating over this. Abilify is not compatible with nursing. My baby is 5 months old. I visit family in Cleveland, OH. I make an appointment with a female urologist who specializes in pelvic pain at the Cleveland Clinic. She examines me. Takes me history. She says that there is no way I could have IC. She says that ANYONE would have those small areas of pinpoint petichiae on their bladder wall if their bladder was distended to 2000ml. She encourages me to continue with pelvic floor PT. At this point, I have made no progress with PT. She writes me a script for Amitriptyline, 10mg. She switches the Overactive Bladder med to Enablex. It doesn't work. I quit Enablex and stay on Amitriptyline.

I return to CA. I stop going to pelvic floor PT as I am not progressing. I am lost. I figure once and for all I will rule out this diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis. I travel to San Diego, CA and see Dr. Lowell Parsons, a pioneer in Interstitial Cystitis, and the man who helped to invent Elmiron, the drug for IC. After a 5 minute consultation, he concludes I have IC. Dismisses the opinions of the urologist at the Cleveland Clinic and the one in my hometown in CA. Instructs me to take Elmiron and to start doing bladder instillations of lidocaine, heparin and sodium bicarbonate. Self-cathing. Incredible.

I tell my husband of the news. He is not in agreement. He says I still do not think you have IC. But, if Dr. Parsons says you do, well then, try the Elmiron and do the instillations.

I do instillations. They do not help. The pelvic pain persists. I am unable to have intercourse. Baby is now 8 months. I have not been breastfeeding for 4 months. My period has not returned. I return to the OB that delivered my baby. I mention that my period has not returned. I am not pregnant as I have not had intercourse due to the pelvic pain. The nurse practioner puts me on Provera 10 days to induce a period. This fails. No period. Every month I feel as if I am getting a period, but nothing comes out. What is wrong? My bladder is a mess and now I am mysteriously not getting a period? We move cross-country to PA. Baby is 9 months old.

We go on a cruise. I feel like I have a yeast infection. I take Diflucan for yeast. Lightning zaps of pain in my vagina begin. Burning does not go away, despite 3 Diflucan pills. What is wrong with me?

I come home. I establish myself with a GYN in my new hometown in PA. She says we need to figure out why you have not had a period since giving birth. Baby is now 10 months old. She puts me on Provera again 10 days. No period. Refers me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The best in the city of Pittsburgh. I see him. He orders a sonohystogram. I go to radiology and they try to poke the catheter through my cervix to see into my uterus. The radiologist can not get the catheter through the cervix. He says that my cervix is stenosed (scarred over). He says you will need surgical exploration of your uterus. At the same hospital, I see a urologist for my continued bladder symptoms. She says, well you must have IC because the great Lowell Parsons diagnosed you with it. Shoos me out of her office. Peace be with you.

The Reproductive Endocrinologist sets me up for surgery. He will perform a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy of my Uterus. At the same time, the urologist will take a peek in my bladder through the cystoscope. During surgery, he finds that my uterus is 40% scarred shut. This is called ASHERMAN'S SYNDROME, and it is a result of the D&C that I had at 8 weeks post-partum for the retained products of conception. It only happens to 1% of women who have had a D&C post partum. He removes the bands of scar tissue in my uterus and over my cervix. Because the blood that was to be shed during my period could not get out, it backflowed into my pelvis and caused endometriosis, which he also burned off. Additionally, he notices a SEVERE uterine abnormality: a subseptate bicornuate uterus. Basically, a heart shaped uterus with a division (septum) down the middle. He removes the septum the best he can. After surgery, he remarks that conceiving and carrying my daughter to term is a verified miracle, as only 12% of women with a subseptate bicornuate uterus can even get pregnant. Most miscarry or their babies are born 4 months early because they grow out of room. That is why my daughter grew so low in my pelvis and hardly moved much. She had to survive. So she burrowed herself at the bottom of my "heart". Her skull pressed against my left pudendal nerve. What is a pudendal nerve....?

Daughter is 1 years old now. Uterus is fixed, I start having periods again. Bladder symptoms persist even though after the cystoscope done during my Lap/Hystero does not convince my new urologist that I have IC. 3 urologists against the great Lowell Parsons. If I do not have IC, WHAT DO I HAVE? I agonize.

At the beginning of 2010, I join the gym. I start the elliptical and I hit it hard. I work out like a fiend. I get more burning in my pelvis. The bladder symptoms increase. No meds are working. I continue to exercise. I run on the treadmill. I notice that I have pain when sitting. Burning and tingling all over my pelvis. Urinary retention to the point I have to press on my bladder to let urine out. I start pelvic floor PT again. She notes incredible spasm at the left obturator internus muscle. What is on the other side of that muscle? The PUDENDAL NERVE IN THE ALCOCK'S CANAL. Burning increases and sitting is difficult. I have stabbing pain. My husband Googles my symptoms and comes up with a website called TIPNA. The International Pudendal Neuralgia Association. He says, "I think you have Pudendal Neuralgia, and possibly a Pudendal Nerve Entrapment." I decide I want to see the best pelvic floor PT, so I start going to the director of Women's PT in Pittsburgh. She prescribes 2x a week pelvic floor PT. I am in agony. I have a knife in my vagina. I have a knife in my anus. I cannot sit. My bladder is a mess. I can't empty it. I lose weight. My daughter is 18 months old. I am in agony. I join Pudendal Hope. It is a forum. I hear about an MRI that can visualize the pudendal nerve and possible entrapments. I read about what the 5 doctors in the great nation of the United States recommend. They recommend Physical Therapy to the pelvic floor. They recommend a CT guided pudendal nerve block. I call the head of neuroradiology at UPMC. He has never done a CT guided PN block. I am the first. He does two blocks at the same time, one at the ischial spine and one at the Alcock's canal (left side only). I am numb. Bliss. I go home. I flare from the steriods. I am in agony. The block was positive: indicative of pudendal nerve entrapment. They do not do the 3Tesla MRI in Pittsburgh so I fly to NYC and have a 3Tesla MRI of the pelvis with and without contrast. Dr. Hollis Potter speaks to me after the 1 hour test. She shows me the images. She says, "your pudendal nerve is entrapped in scar tissue at the base of your pelvis, at the anterior margin of Alcock's canal. I do see bilateral scarring, but the left is 90% worse than the right." (All my symptoms are left sided). She also sees EXTENSIVE PELVIC CONGESTION SYNDROME (huge varicosities in the ovarian veins, pressing on the pudendal nerve.) She recommends that I have ovarian vein embolization to see if that helps the PN pain. I take this back to my PT, and I say, "will any amount of PT remove scar tissue from around my pudendal nerve?" She says, no. I QUIT PT. I am in agony. I cannot sit. I cannot eat. I cannot take care of my child. Bowel movements cause agony. I call and set up an appointment in AZ, with Michael Hibner, MD. He is a surgeon who operate on the pudendal nerve. I also have my ovarian veins coil embolized at my local hospital. The pain persists. The varicosities are not the cause of my nerve pain. My daughter is almost 2. I fly with my husband to AZ. I see Dr. Hibner and his pelvic floor PT, Loretta. Loretta concludes that I will end up in surgery, for surgical decompression of the left pudendal nerve. Dr. Hibner is conservative and wants to try Botox into my left pelvic floor muscles to see if it is just spasms pressing on the nerve. I fly back out to AZ in September 2010 for Botox. The Botox does not relieve my pain. I am scheduled for TransGluteal Pudendal Neurolysis of the left side on November 5, 2010. My gluteus muscle is cut through. My Sacrotuberous ligament is cut. The pudendal nerve is exposed. It is neurolysed along its entire course, from it's roots to the terminal branches. The only area of entrapment was at the entrance to Alcock's canal (the posterior end). However, the nerve was neurolysed along its entire course, regardless. My Sacrospinous ligament is cut and the nerve transposed forward of the ischial spine. The Sacrotuberous ligament is repaired with a cadaver graft. I am closed and a wound vac is put over the wound. An On-Q pain pump is inserted and drips marcaine directly onto the nerve in Alcock's canal. I cannot pee after surgery. I am sent home a week later to PA with a Foley catheter in place. I end up with a horrible bladder infection. I take Cipro, it is cleared. I start walking slowly. I am so weak. I am in so much pain. I start taking oral Valium. After the pain pump is removed after a few weeks, I start taking Lyrica. I cannot sit. I am in agony. There is still so much pain. There is burning in my feet. I stand up and there is foot burning. The showers are tough because my feet burn. Is this due to my unstable pelvis that is recovering? 3 months post op and I finally sit on a cushion to drive to Target, 1 mile away. I have a nanny for my daughter, now age 2. I spend most of my days on the couch in agony. 4 months post op and I venture out to the mall with my friend, on a day that my daughter goes to daycare. (Mind you, I cannot care for her, because I am disabled). I carry a frying pan that I bought. I flare so badly I am on the couch for an entire month, popping Percocet. Nothing helps. I ice and I ice my crotch. I give myself frost-burn. I double the Lyrica dose to 300mg a day. I can't see 5 feet in front of me. It is dangerous to drive. But yet, my nerve is freed right??? I still cannot lift my daughter or care for her. At 8 months post-op, I am still in so much agony and I now develop an intolerance to Lyrica. I am burning from head to toe. My entire body is on fire. I fly to AZ for yet more Botox. This time it will be bilateral Botox. I mention the foot burning and hypersensitivity in the pelvis. Dr. Hibner says we should infuse Ketamine during your Botox procedure and for 4 hours afterwards. I leave the hospital the next day and take a shower and notice the foot burning is gone. I fly home, still in agony. August and September come. My daughter is now 3. I am in so much pain. I still cannot sit. We conclude the Botox is a failure. The foot burning persists, but the pudendal nerve pain is so great that that supersedes the foot burning. I am dying in nerve pain. We conclude that I must still be entrapped. I have always felt in my heart that I was entrapped still, even after the TG surgery. Remember, my MRI said I was entrapped at the base of the pelvis, at the anterior (distal) margin of Alcock's canal. But wasn't that decompressed? So I thought. Alas...

Dr. Hibner wants to help me so bad. He doesn't know to as of yet. It is late September. I cannot live anymore in this agony. We contact Prof. Oskar Aszmann in Vienna, Austria, who tells us via email that I sound like a perfect candidate for a decompression of the pudendal nerve via an anterior approach, at the urogenital diaphragm. We fly to Austria.

I am examined by Prof. Aszmann and a 17mHz ultrasound is performed by his radiologist, Dr. Bodner. The nerve is visualized in a mess of scar tissue. I am in 10/10 pain as he presses on the lateral side of my vaginal wall (left). I go into surgery.

He finds my nerve severely entrapped in scar tissue at the distal Alcock's canal (anterior) and the perineal branches of the pudendal nerve have tried to regenerate into scar tissue, forming a neuroma. The source of my pain. He decompresses the microscopic branches of the pudendal nerve. The nerve and its branches are severely swollen. He decompresses them and removes convoluted dilated veins from around the branches and main trunk of the pudendal nerve. The right side proves normal. I am closed up.

I have been validated. Validation. My nerve was still entrapped. It was entrapped for just over 3 years in a mess of scar tissue that was caused most likely from the episiotomy and manual removal of my placenta at the time of my daughter's birth.

I hug Prof. Aszmann, my dear friend. I fly home. 3 weeks post op I start water walking in the therapy pool at the gym. I want to prevent scar tissue. 4 weeks post op I notice that my legs are burning more. Not just my feet but my legs now. Both legs. Before it was just both feet. Yet, now there are color changes. Huge red rashes appear on both feet and halfway up my calves. The inside and tops of my knees are rashed over. I cannot tolerate water walking anymore. The pudendal nerve pain gets better. I start sitting! I can tolerate a tampon! I can have intercourse!!! Oh my GOD! (((God wants to heal your nervous system)))

I am burning. My body is burning. Why? What is going on? I go to a new pain physician. I am diagnosed with CRPS Type 2 (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, Type 2, nerve injury). CRPS/RSD can be caused by two things: an initial nerve injury, or trauma to a nerve. The symptoms I exhibit of CRPS only started after my TransGluteal neurolysis. Since patients with CRPS are at more of a risk for the CRPS spreading, they tend to avoid surgery. However, I knew I was still entrapped, so I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY. I HAD to have surgery in Vienna.

I am sent for Ketamine infusions at the Cleveland Clinic. 5 days, outpatient. I am paralyzed. Not only paralyzed in fear, but literally. Hallucinations.... audible voices....agony....

The CRPS pain is gone. No more redness/discoloration/burning in legs or feet. I come back to PA. A week after the infusions are complete and the burning returns. I pray and pray and CLAIM VICTORY AND CLAIM THE PROMISE THAT JESUS GAVE ME. The pudendal nerve pain continues to improve. The burning persists.

I digress. The Lord has given me many promises. I have DECLARED DESPITE THE AGONY THAT I WILL BE COMPLETELY, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HEALED FROM EVERYTHING IN JESUS' NAME. I testified before, during and after. I continue to testify. I WILL BE HEALED.

FRIEND, DO NOT GIVE UP. ISAIAH 45:2-3 IS A PROMISE VERSE THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME. It says, "I will go before you and cut through the bars of bronze and break down the bars of iron, so that you will know that the LORD thy GOD, which call you by name has done this. I will give you the treasures that are HIDDEN in the darkness. "

My Lord has chosen to use doctors to bring about my healing. I give GLORY AND PRAISE TO HIM. All wisdom comes from the Lord.

May You continue to be glorified in me, Lord. I KNOW, THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW, that the healing will BE COMPLETED IN ME. For HE THAT BEGUN A GOOD WORK IN ME WILL COMPLETE IT UNTIL THE DAY OF CHRIST JESUS.

Help me believe- Kirk Franklin

This song ministered to me in so many ways during my Ketamine treatment. I listened to it while paralyzed under the effects of the drug. And my hearing was really the only thing that remained clear. And every single word spoke to me, as if God knew these were my very thoughts and desires of my heart. How great is our God! There is no one who loves me like Jesus does. He is THE REASON and HE will bring about my total healing.

May I be used of You, Lord.

"I just want to write you a letter.
I have to be very honest with you right now.
I don't really know how to say this... "

I wanna believe
But I'm having a hard time seeing past
what I see right now,
I see right now

I wanna be free
But when I try to fly I realize
I don't know how,
no one showed me how

Wish I could see that this mess I'm in
will really work out for my good,
you said it would

So, if you can hear me,
can you give me a sign cause
I don't feel you like I should,
please if you could

My faith is almost gone,
I can't hold on much longer,
take this cup from me

Help me Believe
Can I believe
Let Me believe
I wanna believe
I'm no good on my own,
please give me another chance
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
To give you my will
cause you're what's better for me
You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe

(I want you to know)
I wanna believe
If I never hear I'm sorry I can let it go,
gotta let you go

Cause, it's killing me.
(it's killing me)
Jesus you know how it feels
cause you've been hurt before,
don't wanna hurt no more

I'm trying to hear you speak,
but my heart is growing weaker,
take this cup from me


Help me Believe
Can I Believe
Let me Believe
I wanna Believe
I've been here before
and can't take that hurt again
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
To give you my will
cause you're what's better for me
You can look in my eyes and see
I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe


Believe
Believe


I wanna believe
when I close my eyes on this side
I'll wake up with you,
more in love with you

And, and finally, you will say my race
it is over and my work is through,
cause I believed in you

I know dark nights will come
and some days there'll be no sunshine
and you're too far to see


Help me BELIEVE. LORD YOU promised me my total healing and restoration. i am holding you to that promise!!!! You are not a man that you should lie. You are the SAME, yesterday, today and Forever!