God wants me to say this (to myself... maybe you too?)

Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.

Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.

But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.

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So, these are the words of Jesus, from the Bible, from Mark 11: 22-26 (Mark chapter 11 verses 22-26).

Oh, God, how HARD it is to trust. But, when I became a Christian, I swore my allegiance to you and to Your Holy Word, that I would believe everything therein. So, in regards to my mountain of PNE, if I let faith arise, it will be moved. How long? I don't know. I'm not going to sit (haha, I don't sit, YET) and do nothing and just wait for God to open the genie bottle of wishes. In the meantime, I will try to be there for my friends that suffer with PNE and with my other friends and family that have other problems that aren't PNE. My husband suffers with hearing loss that is generational. I want his mountain moved off him. I have many friends and family that are alone and wishing for a spouse. I want their mountains moved. Be thou MOVED!

BELIEVE. That is my one word. www.myoneword.org. I learned about this in MOPS. (Mothers of Preschoolers)

Also, for you PNE people, I bought TheraPearls Ice Packs. They really rock.

What good am I?

You know, I had a revelation. I can't give up. My heart is too big. I want to help. But what..... wait? I'm not better yet!! How can I help?

I can give support.

I can give encouragement.

I can be real.

I can pray.

I can praise God.

I can BELIEVE.

I love my PNE friends, my fellow sufferers... someday, we will be fellow people who are BETTER and freed from this horrible hell pain that is all-consuming. I pray that it is replaced with the all consuming fire of the Holy Spirit. I pray that we are all used for the Lord.

On a side note, you may be a family member suffering because your spouse is in so much pain and torment, and you have no way to reach them. You may be a hurting mum, worried about her son/daughter's seemingly incurable disease.... watching them crumble before your eyes while you can't do anything about it.... You may be a neighbor, a friend, watching your pal fade away, threatening suicide, feeling despair.

Yes... more reality from the PNE world. Oh, God, I pray the PNE doctors read my blog somehow and that they can see how truly important they are to us suffering. They aren't Gods. They are only men. But, God can use their hands to heal. Please let them know that. And, we patients aren't crazy. We only want a slice of life back. No..... we want IT ALL. We deserve it all!!! We are human. We want peace in our bodies. I will continue to pray and "roll in my holy-rolled-ness" (haha) for these PNE doctors and for more to be raised up.

God we need help.

I want to burn my ice packs. Is that possible???? Can I set a blowtorch to my Lyrica? How about I throw away the Valium? I'll give it to the neighbor's smelly cat. Just kidding. I want OUT. I'm done with the PNE club. I'm leaving the lunch table.

Love

Happy Valentine's Day! Another Hallmark holiday... eat some chocolate if you can, tell each other how much you adore one another, make love, and move on....

Right.

It doesn't work that way in the PN'rs life. Love is challenging. For singles, it is a love wished for-- "will I ever find someone to love me like I am?" For couples, it is often without traditional intimacy, thus leading to frustration, anger, longing, depression, hoping, dreaming, WAITING.....

Oh...... WHEN WILL I BE HEALED? Make me whole....

I want to experience love again. We are learning a whole new way to love. It isn't easy. It comes with tremendous frustration, effort, all of the above. It has to come from both sides. There has to be a deliberateness to make it work. This is so foreign.

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I have loved this song ever since my Dad suggested it for J and I's wedding. I've always loved Babs (Barbra Streisand). What a phenomenal instrument God has blessed her with. Enjoy the sappiness of it. And don't give up hope. I am preaching to myself here too.

You are so beautiful

"Awww.... Barbie, you're so pretty. Such thick, brown hair and long eyelashes--- you don't even NEED makeup!!! Naturally pink lips, and you're thin, too! And, where'd you get that sweater, girl?"

And Barbie replies, ever so sweetly:

"Oh. You didn't notice my button? Was it NOT BIG ENOUGH? It's as big as my head for cryin' out loud!! Can't you see it? Yeah, that's right. Me. Beautiful Barbie. With Chronic Pain. HIDDEN Chronic Pain. "

So, you see my point, readers, friends, loved ones. I will strap a megaphone to my face and tell you and the whole world about Pudendal Nerve Entrapment if I haven't already. It's a hidden pain eating away not only at our most intimate, personal areas, but at our self-worth, our identities, our everythings. I am just being REAL here, like my blog originally stated I would. I made a new PNE friend tonight. Praise God for that. No really, seriously. I'm happy I made a new PNE friend. We need to network. I'm finding that there are just too few doctors and too MANY patients that it's up to the majority to make something happen. So, kudos (and I hate that word, but my brain can't come up w/ another one right now) to those PNE people that are spreading the word, being sleuths behind the scenes, demanding answers, all in kindness of course, because bashing someone over the head or throwing yourself at the foot of the podium of the International Pelvic Pain Society meeting just won't do it. Hahaha at A in CA :-) She gets this one. I have to refocus my brain before I'm off to bed. Because getting up in the morning for a PNer just ain't easy. So, I'm going to try to find a verse that sums it up and gives hope to not only me but to you, reader, too.

^{Psalm 37}

³Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

⁴Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

God has never failed me yet. He has never failed me yet. He has never failed me yet. HE HAS NEVER FAILED ME YET.

Flare Up = No fun

I went to PT on Tuesday. It was my fifth session. My second internal exam. She lightly pressed on the sacrospinous ligament on the right side. I think she did this both internally and externally. The Alcock's canal runs right near there. Everything is so close. Anyways, I've been flared now for days since then. Nothing is helping. Constantly sitting on Polar Ice packs. I think I may be close to giving up PT, well at least internal. I can't go down this road again. I declined so fast and was in so much pain with my 4 months of PT before my TG surgery in November. It was too much. I want to go for a walk, get some fresh air, something. But I know that until this flare passes, it will just continue to aggravate my entrapped nerve. I am talking about the right side here. My left side was freed during the TG surgery in November. So now I only have one side entrapped. I guess I am going to end up being a bilateral. I hope the pain goes away. Maybe the scar tissue is so minute that it can die down and go away and not bother me. Pushing on the nerve certainly won't help though. I can't go through it again. I'd rather have the pins and needles than the stabbing feeling in the Alcock's canal. That is (and was, for my left side, previously) the ultimate worst. Feeling like you have a knife in there and just want to pull it out.

J and I are going to travel sometime to the revival in Mobile. I need strengthened in my faith and in the healing power of God. God can do anything. He can remove scar tissue and restore my nerve to health without a surgeon's scalpel. I knew in my heart that I would have to have surgery on my left, but I still haven't received that confirmation yet in my spirit about the right side. Maybe it's too soon to tell (just 13 weeks out today), but still. Week after week of sitting (haha, I mean lying) here with ice "down there" just isn't a quality of life. J and I deserve so much more. We deserve LIFE. How can we make a LIFE while this is going on? That is our challenge. If anyone has some suggestions, I'd be happy to take them.

Thank you.

Yup. That's how I feel today. Ker*Plunk. Tables turned. Right side worse than left. Left side healing? Yes. I trust in that. Right's been hurting a lot lately, just haven't posted it. But I'm posting it tonight. Will I be one of the ones that have to go through another surgery to get rid of this darn scar tissue surrounding my poor nerve? Time to start seeking answers again. Oh, Lord. What do You have for me? What is the purpose in this pain? Faith like an apostle? Martyrdom? Am I dramatic? (YES) I am human.

I want a sibling for A.

What else do I want? I want, I want I want. What do you want, God?

Jeremiah 31:3 (New King James Version)

³ The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying:

“ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Love, me Lord, and take away my anguish. Set me free from this bondage. The ups and downs. This is PNE. Ahhhhhhhh! Someday, someday...... I will beat this. We will beat this!!! I can't give up!! I'm like Rocky......... I may be down for the count, but I'll beat you in the end. (Theme song playing in my head). Are you sick of reading my post? Ok, good. Cause I'm sick of writing it. Please just pray for me tonight. Thank you all.