Ahhh, so this is the post I thought my phone deleted

My faith is really being put to the test. I am experiencing some very "not so good" moments that throw me back into the past. In so many ways, I want to relinquish the past AND future completely and let my thoughts and cares fall only for today, for as the Bible says, today has enough worries of its own. But I fall into the trap of grief, again and again. I know it is a spiritual attack. Why would any force of evil want someone healed, made whole, testify about it, and lead others to the Lord in the process? Do I start throwing out my "get thee behind me, Satan"'s again? Honestly, I'm tired. I got a suggestion to keep doing spiritual warfare and put on my full armor. A Christian would know what that means. So, when my eyes open in the morning, do I say this to the enemy who wants to devour me? I can't. Right now, I am really weak (spiritually.) I am not white-flaggin' it to the devil though. I'm just being honest. I am so spiritually blocked right now though- I need a breakthrough- and that is only something that intercessory prayer can break. The Lord knew and knows my days before I was even formed. He knew I would write this blog post realizing my own inadequacy and my need for an "e-blast" of prayer. So I guess I will do what He says and rest in it. Rest. Today when I was driving home from dropping off my daughter at Vacation Bible School- I thought, "I would like to volunteer, with my daughter, to sing and talk and pray with young children who are in more pain than I could ever be." I was getting a thought for an avenue of ministry. Almost immediately, the enemy comes in with "but you can't do that, because you'll never be well enough for that." Now, you can see why I need a total mind overhaul. What happened to my faith? I have it somewhere- right? God- give me the grace and mercy that I need to continue to believe, that even despite these trials- that YOUR Word promises my complete health! Revive me, Holy Spirit, and send Your fire to burn with fervor again. Show me how to walk in Your Word. Show me how to TALK in Your Word. Show me that You are THAT YOU ARE!!!! Fight my battle, Jesus! Give me the faith again to TRUST You completely!!! You are ALL power, Lord! You will deliver-- IF-- I trust You. And, in your mercy, guide the hands of my surgeon, Prof Aszmann, as he operates on my dear friend tomorrow. You PROMISED us, God! Thank you, Jesus. I need a whole lotta sermon from Dr Herb Jones right now. I need some spiritual backhands!!! People speak it to me, I am open to what the Lord wants to say through you! Ughhhh- God just set me free from this. My ice packs burning in hell is long overdue.

What good am I?

You know, I had a revelation. I can't give up. My heart is too big. I want to help. But what..... wait? I'm not better yet!! How can I help?

I can give support.

I can give encouragement.

I can be real.

I can pray.

I can praise God.

I can BELIEVE.

I love my PNE friends, my fellow sufferers... someday, we will be fellow people who are BETTER and freed from this horrible hell pain that is all-consuming. I pray that it is replaced with the all consuming fire of the Holy Spirit. I pray that we are all used for the Lord.

On a side note, you may be a family member suffering because your spouse is in so much pain and torment, and you have no way to reach them. You may be a hurting mum, worried about her son/daughter's seemingly incurable disease.... watching them crumble before your eyes while you can't do anything about it.... You may be a neighbor, a friend, watching your pal fade away, threatening suicide, feeling despair.

Yes... more reality from the PNE world. Oh, God, I pray the PNE doctors read my blog somehow and that they can see how truly important they are to us suffering. They aren't Gods. They are only men. But, God can use their hands to heal. Please let them know that. And, we patients aren't crazy. We only want a slice of life back. No..... we want IT ALL. We deserve it all!!! We are human. We want peace in our bodies. I will continue to pray and "roll in my holy-rolled-ness" (haha) for these PNE doctors and for more to be raised up.

God we need help.

I want to burn my ice packs. Is that possible???? Can I set a blowtorch to my Lyrica? How about I throw away the Valium? I'll give it to the neighbor's smelly cat. Just kidding. I want OUT. I'm done with the PNE club. I'm leaving the lunch table.