Ahhh, so this is the post I thought my phone deleted

My faith is really being put to the test. I am experiencing some very "not so good" moments that throw me back into the past. In so many ways, I want to relinquish the past AND future completely and let my thoughts and cares fall only for today, for as the Bible says, today has enough worries of its own. But I fall into the trap of grief, again and again. I know it is a spiritual attack. Why would any force of evil want someone healed, made whole, testify about it, and lead others to the Lord in the process? Do I start throwing out my "get thee behind me, Satan"'s again? Honestly, I'm tired. I got a suggestion to keep doing spiritual warfare and put on my full armor. A Christian would know what that means. So, when my eyes open in the morning, do I say this to the enemy who wants to devour me? I can't. Right now, I am really weak (spiritually.) I am not white-flaggin' it to the devil though. I'm just being honest. I am so spiritually blocked right now though- I need a breakthrough- and that is only something that intercessory prayer can break. The Lord knew and knows my days before I was even formed. He knew I would write this blog post realizing my own inadequacy and my need for an "e-blast" of prayer. So I guess I will do what He says and rest in it. Rest. Today when I was driving home from dropping off my daughter at Vacation Bible School- I thought, "I would like to volunteer, with my daughter, to sing and talk and pray with young children who are in more pain than I could ever be." I was getting a thought for an avenue of ministry. Almost immediately, the enemy comes in with "but you can't do that, because you'll never be well enough for that." Now, you can see why I need a total mind overhaul. What happened to my faith? I have it somewhere- right? God- give me the grace and mercy that I need to continue to believe, that even despite these trials- that YOUR Word promises my complete health! Revive me, Holy Spirit, and send Your fire to burn with fervor again. Show me how to walk in Your Word. Show me how to TALK in Your Word. Show me that You are THAT YOU ARE!!!! Fight my battle, Jesus! Give me the faith again to TRUST You completely!!! You are ALL power, Lord! You will deliver-- IF-- I trust You. And, in your mercy, guide the hands of my surgeon, Prof Aszmann, as he operates on my dear friend tomorrow. You PROMISED us, God! Thank you, Jesus. I need a whole lotta sermon from Dr Herb Jones right now. I need some spiritual backhands!!! People speak it to me, I am open to what the Lord wants to say through you! Ughhhh- God just set me free from this. My ice packs burning in hell is long overdue.

My brain and why I don't like how it rhymes with "pain"

I really have been doing so much better.  I cannot give God enough praises.  It's like I almost feel unworthy of His blessings.  What a lie from the devil. 

I have been getting so much stronger.  My physical therapist is such a sweet person.  She is more like a friend - but equally phenomenal therapist.  She has the amazing ability to put you at such ease when doing things to your pelvic floor.  For those that may not know what the means, the pelvic floor is, well, your "land where the sun don't shine."  Now that I have explained it to you...

What hurts the most is the connective tissue and scar mobilization.  Scars hurt.  I guess that is why they are scars.  I was born with a very ugly looking birthmark that fully covered the inside of my entire right arm, underarm, half of my right breast, and a portion of my back.  It was not one of those red or port-wine stained birthmarks; rather, it was a raised, flesh colored, bumpy, scaly looking lizard-thing.  When I was 12, I had two surgeries to remove it.  The first surgery is where two skin expanders were placed to expand clear portions of skin adjacent to the birthmark.  I had them injected with saline twice a week, once by my plastic surgeon, and once by my mom, a nurse.  They ended up looking like two huge breast implants: one above my right breast and the other on my back below the shoulder blade.  Not so easy to cover up or explain when I was quite the insecure young adolescent 12 year old.  After six weeks, I went back into surgery where the skin expanders were removed and the birthmark cut out and the stretched skin sewn together in what now (at age 31) looks like a HOT mess!!  Oh, but I've lived with that hideous scar for almost 20 years now.  I wonder what the birthmark would have looked like at this point.  That scar STILL hurts -- not the same of course, as it did 20 years ago, but I still cannot have anyone lift me holding under my arms (like I would a child).

So, the point is, scars stretch, and scars fade.  I am cranky, I suppose, from my brain realizing an increase in pain from the recent scar mobilizations (not to mention jumping up and down like a wild woman at gospel choir rehearsal last night -- but it's really muscle pain, and not nerve pain, from the jumping, that is).  And, the jumping was for good reason -- praising God almighty for the miracle of me standing there singing in ZERO out of 10 pain when one year ago I could hardly walk.

I'm guilty tonight of fear.  In the past 4 weeks, I have not realized pain over a level 5, and I think that was really only on one particular occasion.  But, fear reared its ugly head today after those mobilizations.  The sky was so gray, and the rain so dense... it just set me into an ugly mood.  I put myself to work, accomplishing many things.

But, what comes to mind right now is this:

1 Peter 5:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because^[a] your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 

 Isn't that the truth?  Of course, he would want to devour ME --- all I do is give the Lord praise, thank God, try my hardest to walk in holiness (I fail miserably, but, "we fall down, and we get up") raise my child, love my neighbors, be an encouragement, be a blessing, be a witness.  Last night at gospel choir rehearsal, Pastor Kevin said "do you REALLY trust Him (Jesus)?"  We had just finished rehearsing "Trust Me" by Richard Smallwood.  He asked the choir three times.  Each time, my response was "YES!"  How could I not trust Him in that moment?  I was sitting on the beautiful slate floor of the cathedral with literally no pain, having just sung the most heavenly melodies written by the hands of such an anointed songwriter, in the company of my beloved choir family (who prayed and probably still does pray for me without ceasing), practically seeing the cloud of Glory itself fill the space.  But now -- in this moment -- when I am laying here flared up again, "brain thinking pain" once again... 

I am so human.  

Well, isn't that a good thing?  Better to be a human than a robot, or an alien, I suppose!

I am so real.

I am just as fragile as you are.  But in HIM, I can do ALL things.  Only in HIM.  Not in Jessica.  I can do many, many, many wonderful things in Jessica, but not tonight.  My own mind isn't strong enough to fight even a tiny little flare on my own.  You might ask, "why always turn it around to Jesus?  Give yourself some credit, Jessica."  But you see, without Christ in ME, I am really nothing.  For it is He who breathes fresh hope and fullness of joy into each moment of my life. 

Thank you, God, once again.