Giving it to God

This has got to be one of the worst days.  Nothing terrible happened, no tragedies, or level 10 pain, but today is one of the first in a long time that I have realized that I just don't have words to describe how I feel anymore.  In believing that the Lord God Almighty knows when I sit and when I stand, the words that come out of my mouth before I speak them, and the thoughts that come into my head, I have to just stand back.  I need to get this crazy spirit of guilt or punishment or grief or whatever off of me and just get into my rightful place of mercy and grace, since I am a believer in God's promises.  I am trying so hard to get things going with The Pelvic Messenger --- me and my partner, both.  What a lot of people may not realize is that neither of us are completely on the other side of the fence yet.  We ain't ridin' "home free" if you know what I mean.  PELVIC PAIN IS OF THE DEVIL.  I am so sick of this!  Reader, you are seeing a lot of sides of me right now.  That's what stream-of-consciousness is, I guess.  


I had a whole blog post written and I was writing it from my phone and it deleted it.  So, here I go again.  In life, there are three spectrums of time, I guess.  Past, present and future.  Lately, I confess, I have been grieving the past and DREADING the future.  Now, what kind of spirit is THAT?  That is a messed up spirit trying to bother me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  And, another loud sigh comes out of my soul.....


I would like to let anyone who reads this far know that I am doing better since my surgery almost 8 months ago.  However, I have hit a large stumbling block in my recovery and it's got me down.  THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.  Writing is easier than weeping, sometimes, I suppose... although I've done my fair share of that today --- thank goodness I was alone... but sometimes, I don't really care.  I am who am.  I am real.  


I want to go out in the world.  I have dreams.  I want to speak to many people about this, on a small scale and large scale.  I want to bring hope to hurting people.  I want to live victoriously.  I want to sit and have coffee with someone suffering and give them Jesus and the way out.  The work I do for The Pelvic Messenger is part of that.  It is my ministry - I will make Jessica's part of it my own, and that is the freedom with which I am given.  But, I must not forget my VOICE.  The enemy tries to make me forget about that.  Says, "you ain't got it no mo'!"  WHAT?  What a liar.  


I have a dream today --- so my dream is to learn Villa-Lobos "Bachianas Brasilenas" for soprano and cello sextet.  Can I pull it off?  Large, through-the-nose exhalation...


If you love me, send me an email and tell me what I need to do to shape up my mind.  I am all for criticism, rebuke, anything.  I am being a freaking loon here.  I need to get back on track.  Yes, there is pain and it is flared and I don't know why it persists, but maybe it has for this long so that you would read this and send me an email.  I don't know.  Who knows.  


It is long past the time that my ice packs were supposed to be off burning in hell --- help me get to that point, merciful God.


Today, I thought about the beautiful music of Glenn Burleigh's "Purpose - Nia" and thought about well, God, what is my purpose?  If I had half a sane brain cell right now, I'd realize that the song simply says "I was born to love the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength."  This is my purpose.  So, I need to get back to that place, then all the rest will fall right in.


Help me out by giving me a swift kick (virtual) in the rear and tell me to shape up.  


Or as I say to my daughter, "straighten up and fly right."  


I'm just giving it to you, God.