Giving it to God

This has got to be one of the worst days.  Nothing terrible happened, no tragedies, or level 10 pain, but today is one of the first in a long time that I have realized that I just don't have words to describe how I feel anymore.  In believing that the Lord God Almighty knows when I sit and when I stand, the words that come out of my mouth before I speak them, and the thoughts that come into my head, I have to just stand back.  I need to get this crazy spirit of guilt or punishment or grief or whatever off of me and just get into my rightful place of mercy and grace, since I am a believer in God's promises.  I am trying so hard to get things going with The Pelvic Messenger --- me and my partner, both.  What a lot of people may not realize is that neither of us are completely on the other side of the fence yet.  We ain't ridin' "home free" if you know what I mean.  PELVIC PAIN IS OF THE DEVIL.  I am so sick of this!  Reader, you are seeing a lot of sides of me right now.  That's what stream-of-consciousness is, I guess.  


I had a whole blog post written and I was writing it from my phone and it deleted it.  So, here I go again.  In life, there are three spectrums of time, I guess.  Past, present and future.  Lately, I confess, I have been grieving the past and DREADING the future.  Now, what kind of spirit is THAT?  That is a messed up spirit trying to bother me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  And, another loud sigh comes out of my soul.....


I would like to let anyone who reads this far know that I am doing better since my surgery almost 8 months ago.  However, I have hit a large stumbling block in my recovery and it's got me down.  THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.  Writing is easier than weeping, sometimes, I suppose... although I've done my fair share of that today --- thank goodness I was alone... but sometimes, I don't really care.  I am who am.  I am real.  


I want to go out in the world.  I have dreams.  I want to speak to many people about this, on a small scale and large scale.  I want to bring hope to hurting people.  I want to live victoriously.  I want to sit and have coffee with someone suffering and give them Jesus and the way out.  The work I do for The Pelvic Messenger is part of that.  It is my ministry - I will make Jessica's part of it my own, and that is the freedom with which I am given.  But, I must not forget my VOICE.  The enemy tries to make me forget about that.  Says, "you ain't got it no mo'!"  WHAT?  What a liar.  


I have a dream today --- so my dream is to learn Villa-Lobos "Bachianas Brasilenas" for soprano and cello sextet.  Can I pull it off?  Large, through-the-nose exhalation...


If you love me, send me an email and tell me what I need to do to shape up my mind.  I am all for criticism, rebuke, anything.  I am being a freaking loon here.  I need to get back on track.  Yes, there is pain and it is flared and I don't know why it persists, but maybe it has for this long so that you would read this and send me an email.  I don't know.  Who knows.  


It is long past the time that my ice packs were supposed to be off burning in hell --- help me get to that point, merciful God.


Today, I thought about the beautiful music of Glenn Burleigh's "Purpose - Nia" and thought about well, God, what is my purpose?  If I had half a sane brain cell right now, I'd realize that the song simply says "I was born to love the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength."  This is my purpose.  So, I need to get back to that place, then all the rest will fall right in.


Help me out by giving me a swift kick (virtual) in the rear and tell me to shape up.  


Or as I say to my daughter, "straighten up and fly right."  


I'm just giving it to you, God.

My brain and why I don't like how it rhymes with "pain"

I really have been doing so much better.  I cannot give God enough praises.  It's like I almost feel unworthy of His blessings.  What a lie from the devil. 

I have been getting so much stronger.  My physical therapist is such a sweet person.  She is more like a friend - but equally phenomenal therapist.  She has the amazing ability to put you at such ease when doing things to your pelvic floor.  For those that may not know what the means, the pelvic floor is, well, your "land where the sun don't shine."  Now that I have explained it to you...

What hurts the most is the connective tissue and scar mobilization.  Scars hurt.  I guess that is why they are scars.  I was born with a very ugly looking birthmark that fully covered the inside of my entire right arm, underarm, half of my right breast, and a portion of my back.  It was not one of those red or port-wine stained birthmarks; rather, it was a raised, flesh colored, bumpy, scaly looking lizard-thing.  When I was 12, I had two surgeries to remove it.  The first surgery is where two skin expanders were placed to expand clear portions of skin adjacent to the birthmark.  I had them injected with saline twice a week, once by my plastic surgeon, and once by my mom, a nurse.  They ended up looking like two huge breast implants: one above my right breast and the other on my back below the shoulder blade.  Not so easy to cover up or explain when I was quite the insecure young adolescent 12 year old.  After six weeks, I went back into surgery where the skin expanders were removed and the birthmark cut out and the stretched skin sewn together in what now (at age 31) looks like a HOT mess!!  Oh, but I've lived with that hideous scar for almost 20 years now.  I wonder what the birthmark would have looked like at this point.  That scar STILL hurts -- not the same of course, as it did 20 years ago, but I still cannot have anyone lift me holding under my arms (like I would a child).

So, the point is, scars stretch, and scars fade.  I am cranky, I suppose, from my brain realizing an increase in pain from the recent scar mobilizations (not to mention jumping up and down like a wild woman at gospel choir rehearsal last night -- but it's really muscle pain, and not nerve pain, from the jumping, that is).  And, the jumping was for good reason -- praising God almighty for the miracle of me standing there singing in ZERO out of 10 pain when one year ago I could hardly walk.

I'm guilty tonight of fear.  In the past 4 weeks, I have not realized pain over a level 5, and I think that was really only on one particular occasion.  But, fear reared its ugly head today after those mobilizations.  The sky was so gray, and the rain so dense... it just set me into an ugly mood.  I put myself to work, accomplishing many things.

But, what comes to mind right now is this:

1 Peter 5:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because^[a] your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 

 Isn't that the truth?  Of course, he would want to devour ME --- all I do is give the Lord praise, thank God, try my hardest to walk in holiness (I fail miserably, but, "we fall down, and we get up") raise my child, love my neighbors, be an encouragement, be a blessing, be a witness.  Last night at gospel choir rehearsal, Pastor Kevin said "do you REALLY trust Him (Jesus)?"  We had just finished rehearsing "Trust Me" by Richard Smallwood.  He asked the choir three times.  Each time, my response was "YES!"  How could I not trust Him in that moment?  I was sitting on the beautiful slate floor of the cathedral with literally no pain, having just sung the most heavenly melodies written by the hands of such an anointed songwriter, in the company of my beloved choir family (who prayed and probably still does pray for me without ceasing), practically seeing the cloud of Glory itself fill the space.  But now -- in this moment -- when I am laying here flared up again, "brain thinking pain" once again... 

I am so human.  

Well, isn't that a good thing?  Better to be a human than a robot, or an alien, I suppose!

I am so real.

I am just as fragile as you are.  But in HIM, I can do ALL things.  Only in HIM.  Not in Jessica.  I can do many, many, many wonderful things in Jessica, but not tonight.  My own mind isn't strong enough to fight even a tiny little flare on my own.  You might ask, "why always turn it around to Jesus?  Give yourself some credit, Jessica."  But you see, without Christ in ME, I am really nothing.  For it is He who breathes fresh hope and fullness of joy into each moment of my life. 

Thank you, God, once again.  

Tears

Tears

My tears fall down

thick as the rain

that drops on my steps.

Pouring out of my soul,

out of the depths of my being,

out of everything I am.

They start in my heart

and move to my mind,

and back again,

back again.

An endless circle of pain

that no one understands...

My tears fall as the rain.

Grieving

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. Life is emotional, busy, complicated, dramatic, frustrating, joyful, all wrapped in one.

But right now, it's full of some grief.

Definitions and explanations:

Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Grief may be triggered by the death of a loved one. People also can experience grief if they have an illness for which there is no cure, or a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. The end of a significant relationship may also cause a grieving process.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are common stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss. People's responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the death.

For example, if the person who died had a chronic illness, the death may have been expected. The end of the person's suffering might even have come as a relief. If the death was accidental or violent, coming to a stage of acceptance might take longer.

Symptoms

There can be five stages of grief. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:

• Denial, disbelief, numbness

• Anger, blaming others

• Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")

• Depressed mood, sadness, and crying

• Acceptance, coming to terms

What I suffer with out of the above: anger, depressed mood, sadness and crying. At some times, I feel like I've come to a place of TEMPORARY acceptance. However, due to my faith in Jesus and that He died for not only my sins but all my diseases and illnesses, it is temporary. I cannot lose faith that I will be completely healed.

Today I talked with a PNE friend and jabbered about our mutual illness. We are both so confused as to which way to turn. Why didn't I just open my mouth and start talking about Jesus instead of rationalizing over this doctor and that doctor? France or Arizona? Cut the ligaments or go a different route and risk re-scarring? Spend a ton of money or get it covered by insurance? Longer recovery or shorter recovery? Less nerve handling or more nerve handling? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lord, let it be well with my soul.

In my own self, I cannot deal with this. I cannot bear this anymore. I take ten steps forward and it seems like eleven back. I grieve because I didn't think my life would EVER be this way. Never in my wildest dreams. I'm the girl that still doesn't take ibuprofen for a headache.

God, why do you put me through so many fiery trials? I know it's for Your glory, Lord.

Why can't I hear more from you, Lord? Just trust and believe.

I am so motherly. I would love more children. The doctor said no more pregnancies. All I really ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I am. But, God, I am SO NOT THE WIFE AND MOTHER I WANT TO BE!!! I AM SO HELPLESS!!! HALF THE TIME, I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE A WIFE AND A MOTHER! I FEEL LIKE A NOTHING, AN ICE PACK, A HEATING PAD, AN ELECTRIC SHOCK, A MESSED UP PELVIS.

I want to minister with my voice again. I am so sick of not singing with the PGC. I can't take it. I truly felt my ministry was alive there. Why take me away from it, Lord? Just trust Me.

Will I ever have another baby, a sibling for A? If it's in My will, but until then, you focus on Me and your healing first.

Oh, Lord, what song best fits my grief? Give me a song, Lord God.

You know me, Lord. You've searched my soul. You've given new life to me. You bring me joy, you bring me fire, Lord. You know me, Jesus. You know me, Lord.

You know me, Lord. Each step I take... you knew before, the world was made. You formed my innermost being. Jesus, you alone, You know me, Lord.

So Lord tonight, as I grieve... you knew this day, you knew it'd be. I won't forget, Lord, the joy you've brought to me. You saved my soul, you gave me fire, you've given me everything, Lord... You will most certainly heal me.

You know me, Lord. You know my heart. You know my faith at times, can seem so small. But Lord, you knew this day'd be here... You give me hope, Lord. You give me words, Lord. You say to me, Lord, TRUST AND BELIEVE.

A's Mommy's 4 month post-operative report (Hibner)

THERE IS HOPE

Dear friends,

I wanted to share with you my 4 month update. I am now 4 months post-op from LEFT sided pudendal neurolysis with Dr. Michael Hibner, Phoenix, AZ. I've posted along the way here and there, concerns, etc., but I want to try and break it down a little bit.

--Before my surgery, I was in 7/10 pain as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning. My left Alcock's canal felt like a knife was stabbed through it. With every step I took, I felt a horrible pinching, burning, pulling sensation in the crease of under my buttock and perineum. It would send neuralgia (tingling, burning, shocking) into my vulva, up through my piriformis and all over the place. By 12 noon, I had to lay down completely prone (on my stomach) and it would take at least an hour for the pain to subside.

Post-surgery (4 months) --- there is no stabbing in the Alcock's canal when my feet hit the floor. There is no pulling, pinching, stretching sensation. There ARE devastating (at times) new symptoms such as electric shocks that feel like lightning strikes my crotch. However, I have been told this is a GREAT thing as the nerve is regenerating and the shocks should subside and get less frequent over time, which THEY ARE.

--Before surgery, I took no pain pills (opiods). I was only on 300 mg Neurontin 2x a day, Vaginal Valium suppository 10mg once at night, 10mg Amitriptyline at night, and Prozac 20 mg once a day. I did not take opiods because they did not work for my neuropathic pain, plus I have a toddler and had to look after her. It was only after my Botox that I gave up and had to hire a nanny part time and put her in daycare. I couldn't do it anymore.

Post-surgery (4 months) --- I took Percocet for a while in very low doses (maybe only 2 pills a day at the max) for about 2 months post-op. This helped with the incisional and ligament repair pain and sacral pain. It did nothing for the nerve pain. The thing that helped the nerve is the ON-Q pain pump. I swear by it. I wish I had a permanent one! Now, my meds are Valium (oral) 5mg 2x a day, Prozac (which will most likely and hopefully soon change to Cymbalta --- I see the psychiatrist Friday), Lyrica 75 mg 2x a day, and the Amitriptyline 10mg at night. I also take TONS of vitamins --- a multivitamin with no iron because I don't want constipated, colace, Miralax, High Potency B Vitamin complex for nerve health, Vitamin D, and cranberry pills, also Culturelle (a probiotic)

At 3 months post op, I started driving short distances, using no cushions. I lean back in my car, sorta, while driving. I feel my right side a lot more while in the car (as you can see in my signature, I will have another TG later on this year for my right side). While walking, I feel my right side pinching, pulling, stretching, but NEVER to the same degree my left side was before my surgery. The left side was way worse (as indicated by clinical examinations by Dr. Hibner, Loretta, and by the 3Tesla MRI I had by Dr. Potter). I started PT at 8 weeks post op. I started internal PT at 12 weeks post op and gave up after two internal exams, which flared my right side so much it had me down for the count for a whole week. My right side needs done.

Good news --- my left side feels softer internally than my right side. This has SWITCHED since before my left sided surgery, where my left side was as hard as a brick. The nerve is no longer entrapped, so the muscles have either atrophied due to lack of use, or they are calming down.

---Sitting--- hahahaha... not so much. I can sit on a completely hard surface for about 30-45 minutes with no nerve pain, just pain and pressure from the ischial tuberosities. My husband made me the modified Antolak gardner's kneeling pad cushion thingamabob and that helps some. Ice in the Alcock's canal still feels the best.

As the weeks go on, I am noticing less pain on the left and more on the right. Remember, my right side is still entrapped.

My ligament feels completely solid and grafted. My PT said with ligament repairs, at 4 months they should be good to go. I'm still careful though not to bend it <90 degrees. Still too chicken. Picking up A still causes a bit of an increase in pain. I am getting stronger. I am eating more. I have gained weight. This is good.

BOTTOM LINE: I HAVE MANY BAD DAYS. I AM TRYING TO FIND THAT "BALANCE' BETWEEN DOING TOO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH. We still can't have intercourse. However, I am thankful and eternally grateful that I had the surgery with Dr. Hibner because there was nothing else. My life was zero. Life is coming back. I have accepted that my nerve may take 12-18 months to fully heal. I am glad I have come to that acceptance. You will still see me on the boards complaining from time to time, because I'm a human, and I don't know what to expect. However, I don't regret it FOR A SECOND. I NEEDED THAT SURGERY. It saved me. Thank you, Dr. Hibner, but most of all, THANK YOU JESUS! YOU PROMISED ME I'D BE HEALED, AND SOMEDAY I WILL BE COMPLETELY HEALED.

I hope that this post gave some people hope. That is what we are here for : HOPE.

God bless,

A's Mommy

You are so beautiful

"Awww.... Barbie, you're so pretty. Such thick, brown hair and long eyelashes--- you don't even NEED makeup!!! Naturally pink lips, and you're thin, too! And, where'd you get that sweater, girl?"

And Barbie replies, ever so sweetly:

"Oh. You didn't notice my button? Was it NOT BIG ENOUGH? It's as big as my head for cryin' out loud!! Can't you see it? Yeah, that's right. Me. Beautiful Barbie. With Chronic Pain. HIDDEN Chronic Pain. "

So, you see my point, readers, friends, loved ones. I will strap a megaphone to my face and tell you and the whole world about Pudendal Nerve Entrapment if I haven't already. It's a hidden pain eating away not only at our most intimate, personal areas, but at our self-worth, our identities, our everythings. I am just being REAL here, like my blog originally stated I would. I made a new PNE friend tonight. Praise God for that. No really, seriously. I'm happy I made a new PNE friend. We need to network. I'm finding that there are just too few doctors and too MANY patients that it's up to the majority to make something happen. So, kudos (and I hate that word, but my brain can't come up w/ another one right now) to those PNE people that are spreading the word, being sleuths behind the scenes, demanding answers, all in kindness of course, because bashing someone over the head or throwing yourself at the foot of the podium of the International Pelvic Pain Society meeting just won't do it. Hahaha at A in CA :-) She gets this one. I have to refocus my brain before I'm off to bed. Because getting up in the morning for a PNer just ain't easy. So, I'm going to try to find a verse that sums it up and gives hope to not only me but to you, reader, too.

^{Psalm 37}

³Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

⁴Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

God has never failed me yet. He has never failed me yet. He has never failed me yet. HE HAS NEVER FAILED ME YET.

Yup. That's how I feel today. Ker*Plunk. Tables turned. Right side worse than left. Left side healing? Yes. I trust in that. Right's been hurting a lot lately, just haven't posted it. But I'm posting it tonight. Will I be one of the ones that have to go through another surgery to get rid of this darn scar tissue surrounding my poor nerve? Time to start seeking answers again. Oh, Lord. What do You have for me? What is the purpose in this pain? Faith like an apostle? Martyrdom? Am I dramatic? (YES) I am human.

I want a sibling for A.

What else do I want? I want, I want I want. What do you want, God?

Jeremiah 31:3 (New King James Version)

³ The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying:

“ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Love, me Lord, and take away my anguish. Set me free from this bondage. The ups and downs. This is PNE. Ahhhhhhhh! Someday, someday...... I will beat this. We will beat this!!! I can't give up!! I'm like Rocky......... I may be down for the count, but I'll beat you in the end. (Theme song playing in my head). Are you sick of reading my post? Ok, good. Cause I'm sick of writing it. Please just pray for me tonight. Thank you all.

Too happy not to share

I've been feeling better.

Let me say that again:

I'VE BEEN FEELING BETTER!!!!!

God, please don't let this stop. I am still getting the nerve zaps, you know, those electric shock lovelies that split you in two?? The pain that frozen ice cubes applied against bare skin does not dull? Okay, you get it. I still get them. But, I am doing more. I drove this week. I bought new bedding at Target. Reclined like an old rapper from the 90's in my hooped up Jetta cause I don't want to put pressure or strain on the nerve. That's about the only way I can sit.... either that way, or on a completely hard piano bench at my inlaws. I've been off narcotics for over 2 weeks now. Still on Lyrica 2x a day, Valium 2x a day, and Amitriptyline at night. Oh, and the 'zac (That's Prozac, people) once in the morning. I take a bazillion vitamins: High Potency B-12 complex for nerve health (in drop form, under the tongue), a B complex pill, Vitamin D3 (thanks, Pianogal!), a multivitamin, Ester-C (non-acidic for those IC sufferers out there ), oh and I still take my probiotics, Miralax (although less and less), and docusate sodium (lets face it... I'm too scared to have a difficult #2. My poor nerve needs babied all it can!

Yes, there's a few times this week I've been laid up with some ice. There's never a day I don't ice at night. But I'm noticing now that I get out the ice LATER and LATER in the day. I'm doing Transverse Abdominus exercises out my wazoo. I can't do much else from PT (still causes instant tingling/burning in vulvar area when I squeeze my glutes), but I am trying to be more conscientious about walking without a sway back (like I'm still pregnant). My knees have callouses on them from chasing around after A..... haha. Who cares. It's my baby girl. If I can play with her for a few minutes, my kneecaps can suffer. What's that compared to pudendal pain?

Most importantly, I have been PRAYING and BELIEVING for YOUR HEALING. All of those of you that go to the forums, read my blogs, don't read my blog, whatever. I still call out your name in prayer. I've never been a good "pray-er". God's teaching me. Hallelujah. Who cares how, right? That's what's so good about praying in the Spirit:

Romans 8:26 (New King James Version)

²⁶ Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us ^[a] with groanings which cannot be uttered.

Yes, I'm a pentecostal, holy-rolling (I've never actually rolled, haha) Christian. But, even those of you who I'm friends with who aren't pentecostal and holy rollin' (again, LOL) still love me, right? And that's okay. You can still love me. You don't have to agree w/ me, but you can still love me, just like I love you. And I will still pray for you. I will still believe.

I am not giving up this PNE fight. Peace.

THIS IS REALITY FOR US... some words from my fellow PNErs

pianogal in CA (age 34) writes:

feel dispassionate about details of my life bc can't live them fully.

overwhelmed w roads to try.

house. decor. body. image. look. husband. sex blech. friends. music. career. news. finances.

even God sometimes I hate to say.

it's like what can i do. why care.

parts of me care but not enough to solve the giant mess.

obsession w body wanting healing of body so all elements of my broken life can b healed too.

everything is chipped torn dusty broken in a room off to the side... till i can come back to life.

Nick in MN (age 31) writes:

Dear Friends (or acquiantances if you prefer),

I would like to share a bit of what was on my mind today about who I am. Who am I anyway? Is it my identity? I am a husband, son, brother, friend, musician, goof ball, video game addict, insurance underwriter, owned by a cat, and many other things that people tend to be. I have become a PN sufferer but that does not change the other things, PN can't have them! But these are only part of me. Is it how I feel? I'm only 31 but I've had a chance to feel plenty of the things that come with being human. Happiness, joy, sadness, fear, depression, desire, anger, pleasure, downright weirdness, etc., etc., etc. I've been introduced to pain that I didn't think could exist outside of the pits of hell, and have come to find out it could be worse!!! I believe it is always okay to feel the way you do, you don't need to justify it to anyone. It could be argued that these sensations and emotions make up the whole of our existence. But that's not all either. My brain was grinding on this for quite a while and I finally came to the conclusion that I am just me. Wherever I go, whatever I'm doing, however I feel, I am still me and no amount of pain or any diagnosis will ever take that away. God has given me this life; past, present, and future and nothing will ever change that. Now that that's out of my system on to the toast: Here's to all who are struggling with pain right now may you find relief quickly may loved ones surround and support you may the road ahead bring you kindness and compassion may God lead you to healing and peace when you are down may hands reach out to lift you up when you are strong may you reach out to help others who are in need and may you always remember who you are Cheers! *clink*

Nick

S in CA writes:

MY PAIN

My relentless companion

ever there

ever waiting

My pain

Now louder — did it hear its name?

Drumming into me with each footfall

on the pavement

I stop to rest, it smiles quietly.

It lies in wait for me to grow weary

and then it is THERE

LOUD

ANGRY

BURNING a hole in my deepest secret flesh

OW – go away

what do you want from me

what did I do

why do you haunt me

Leave me

Let me be

Let me live

Let me work

Let me love

------------------------------

Pain Rising

The pain got louder. She could feel it growing, tendrils twisting sharply in the left side of her pelvis. How much longer would it be? Would she be able to last?

She shifted in her seat, trying to ease the burning. She didn’t want to take another pain pill. What was it about tapping, distracting the brain? She tapped the side of her wrist and the fleshy valley between her thumb and forefinger, trying to remember the pattern.

Nothing. Just the patient, insistent, throbbing flame.

She sighed. Nothing worked… Not the doctors, the expensive tests and treatments, not the healers, the meditation, nothing. Every time she researched new treatment options and approached a new specialist, she was so hopeful. All the holistic, touchy-feely stuff was stupid, a waste of time and money. Am I crazy, she thought? Did I manufacture this? On some subconscious level, am I CHOOSING pain? Why is this happening to me?

Oh shut up.

Get back to work. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Are you going to let this screw up your whole life?

I wish I was dead. No, correct that. I wish I had cancer and could go through the chemo and have my breasts cut off or whatever and then get better. Then I could have a life. Or even if I died at least it would be over.

It was the pain, the never-ending, 24-7 pain that was driving her insane. She could empathize with suiciders – it seemed seductive suddenly – just a few handfuls of her pain medication and drifting off to sleep. That would be easier and less messy than the other images she had – of taking a sharp knife and cutting deep, into her urethra and beyond, where the pain screamed. It woke her from sleep, talked to her as she showered, bathed, dressed, tried to work, tried to live, tried to love. SCREAMING, I HURT! I BURN! I BLEED! I TEAR! I HATE YOU! I WANT TO KILL YOU! SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM…. Until she felt like screaming back and cutting into the malicious flesh.

Instead she cried, great racking sobs, took the prescribed narcotics, drew the hottest bath she could, stepped in and waited for the screaming to subside, like a voice that has worn itself to a hoarse whisper.

She lay motionless now in the blessed quiet, willing herself to stay still even as the water chilled. But no use. Within an hour the scream would be loud enough to interrupt her life again, make her put aside whatever she was doing to repeat the ritual. Pain pills, hot bath, check out.

Wife of Mitch in MN (age 47) writes:

Thoughts of a Tortured Mind

How do you cope with watching the person you love from your soul suffer day in and day out? How do you leave for work every day carrying with you the fear that the pain will win while you’re gone? I find myself trying to make plans on how to handle things when he’s gone, trying to prepare myself for what feels some days to be the inevitable. My mother became a widow before her 47th birthday. I’m worried that I will do so sooner than that. How are you supposed to stand by while he writhes in pain with tears streaming down his face, knowing that there is nothing you can do? How do you choose between your selfish wishes to achieve your “happily ever after” and his wish to be released from the pain that never ends? When he talks about suicide, is it wrong for you to be torn between screaming, “No, you can’t do that to me!” and breaking into tears and saying, “I understand. How can I help?” I need him, but I need him to be whole and healthy and happy. My happiness would never be complete if it came at the expense of his well-being. How do you deal with his exhaustion and short-temperedness when you don’t even know how to deal with your own? How do you sleep at night knowing that he can’t sleep because of the pain and the panic attacks? Where do you turn to ease your own pain, when you’re the only person to be there for him? What will he do while you’re out pampering yourself? Where would I turn, anyway? And, who will take care of him? He’s got family, but they don’t even try to understand, don’t even act like they care. They’re too absorbed in their own lives to even realize that he’s in trouble. I hate them for their indifference, for not being there for him. God forbid, but if he did choose to take his own life, I would sever contact with them. They will hate me, because I will not bury him. I don’t need a rock in the ground to remember him, or to visit him. That’s their issue. Maybe I would have him cremated and spread his ashes in the sculpture gardens. I have wrestled with the consequences of suicide before. Does that automatically condemn you to hell? Does a loving God have the capacity to understand that the pain just became too much? I love him. I fear for him. I want to hold on to him, but I want to release him to relief. It’s a battle, and I can’t win. It’s not my battle. I have my own demons to wrestle, but they pale in comparison to his. My demons will go away when he finally finds relief. I pray for his health. I pray for his mind. I pray for his soul. I am useless to do much more as I move through every day watching the person I love from my soul suffer day in and day out. I leave for work carrying with me the fear that the pain will win while I am gone. God, please be with him now and always.

Great Encouragement from fellow PNEr!

My friend, A, who is on the other side of the country and who is a young mom like myself who is fighting PNE, sent me a link to a great devotional today. Everything reminds me of sung scripture, so of course I had a song for it!

Here is the link to the devotional:

http://springsinthedesert.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/wait-for-gods-promises-it-will-be-yours-in-its-due-time/

And here is my video for it!!!

Basically, what I took away from it was this:

Dear child of God, are you with a promise today, regarding your life, your future, your family and your ministry. You just saw it fall down from heaven, but you do not see anything happening yet. God wants to remind you that His words will not return to him empty, it will accomplish the purpose for which it was sent. You might not see it right now. Its working out its purpose…first of all, God is training you, preparing others, changing your environment, creating new opportunities, changing the laws of the country…you never know what God has in mind. If God has promised you a ministry so that you will be a channel to bring forth salvation to the ends of the earth, He will do so. Every encouraging letter you write, every exhortation you say, every devotion you post, every message you speak will not go in vain. You might not see the people you are influencing or the changes you are making in their lives through Jesus Christ, but it will perform its purpose and one day you will see many saved across the world, through you. Let me encourage you with this verse from the bible “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. ” (Habakkuk 2:3)

So, what I am doing now, going through the pain, the hell, the misery, the tears, the... the... EVERYTHING..... will accomplish the purpose for which it was sent (Isaiah 55:11). I liked the part about how "God is training you, preparing others, changing your environment, creating new opportunities...."

Wow. While the pain still flourishes in the same way that last night's post depicted in its pictures, I guess my focus has shifted a bit for tonight. And I even got to rock A to bed and sing her "Nobody Knows De Trouble I've Seen." Glory! Hallelujah.