This has got to be one of the worst days. Nothing terrible happened, no tragedies, or level 10 pain, but today is one of the first in a long time that I have realized that I just don't have words to describe how I feel anymore. In believing that the Lord God Almighty knows when I sit and when I stand, the words that come out of my mouth before I speak them, and the thoughts that come into my head, I have to just stand back. I need to get this crazy spirit of guilt or punishment or grief or whatever off of me and just get into my rightful place of mercy and grace, since I am a believer in God's promises. I am trying so hard to get things going with The Pelvic Messenger --- me and my partner, both. What a lot of people may not realize is that neither of us are completely on the other side of the fence yet. We ain't ridin' "home free" if you know what I mean. PELVIC PAIN IS OF THE DEVIL. I am so sick of this! Reader, you are seeing a lot of sides of me right now. That's what stream-of-consciousness is, I guess.
I had a whole blog post written and I was writing it from my phone and it deleted it. So, here I go again. In life, there are three spectrums of time, I guess. Past, present and future. Lately, I confess, I have been grieving the past and DREADING the future. Now, what kind of spirit is THAT? That is a messed up spirit trying to bother me. Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope." And, another loud sigh comes out of my soul.....
I would like to let anyone who reads this far know that I am doing better since my surgery almost 8 months ago. However, I have hit a large stumbling block in my recovery and it's got me down. THAT IS WHY I AM HERE. Writing is easier than weeping, sometimes, I suppose... although I've done my fair share of that today --- thank goodness I was alone... but sometimes, I don't really care. I am who am. I am real.
I want to go out in the world. I have dreams. I want to speak to many people about this, on a small scale and large scale. I want to bring hope to hurting people. I want to live victoriously. I want to sit and have coffee with someone suffering and give them Jesus and the way out. The work I do for The Pelvic Messenger is part of that. It is my ministry - I will make Jessica's part of it my own, and that is the freedom with which I am given. But, I must not forget my VOICE. The enemy tries to make me forget about that. Says, "you ain't got it no mo'!" WHAT? What a liar.
I have a dream today --- so my dream is to learn Villa-Lobos "Bachianas Brasilenas" for soprano and cello sextet. Can I pull it off? Large, through-the-nose exhalation...
If you love me, send me an email and tell me what I need to do to shape up my mind. I am all for criticism, rebuke, anything. I am being a freaking loon here. I need to get back on track. Yes, there is pain and it is flared and I don't know why it persists, but maybe it has for this long so that you would read this and send me an email. I don't know. Who knows.
It is long past the time that my ice packs were supposed to be off burning in hell --- help me get to that point, merciful God.
Today, I thought about the beautiful music of Glenn Burleigh's "Purpose - Nia" and thought about well, God, what is my purpose? If I had half a sane brain cell right now, I'd realize that the song simply says "I was born to love the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength." This is my purpose. So, I need to get back to that place, then all the rest will fall right in.
Help me out by giving me a swift kick (virtual) in the rear and tell me to shape up.
Or as I say to my daughter, "straighten up and fly right."
I'm just giving it to you, God.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
I will run
I have had this on my mind ever since the weather got nicer.
I will run again.
I will really run. I will run and run and run... Maybe away for awhile.
But literally, I will run.
With. No. Pain.
Flare=Fear
First off, the road to recovery has hit a major pothole. I will not lie, I am discouraged beyond belief. I just cannot give up hope, though. I have had so many reeling thoughts: am I done with the healing process and this is as far as I'll get? Was last month's sitting and doing stuff with zero pain just a fluke? I am full of emotions. It is hard to fall down the ladder a few rungs. I haven't even been able to hear clearly from God for direction-- I've literally woken up, knelt in the corner like a child, and cried out to Him for direction for everything from my thoughts to what I will do with my day in order not to make things worse and hopefully to make things better. In my heart, I HAVE to believe that God will honor my prayers and my transparency with Him- I mean, He knows it all anyways, right?
Simple lyrics from the very anointed song that I've posted before:
"I'll fight your battles-- IF YOU WILL ONLY TRUST ME."
Ok- how? My mind is so muddy.
So, I need peace. God promises that and many other things in His Word. Like this:
Protection: The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV)
- From Bible Promises for iPhone
http://biblepromises.reigndesign.com/
Mercy needed. I need mercy to not even have fear.
Pain is physical and real... But sovereign over all is God. His will is for m to have life to the fullest. He knows the desires of my heart. He who began a good work in me (my healing) will surely complete it.
Jessica just needs prayers tonight. And I am so ready to be covered again.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio
Today on The Pelvic Messenger we are proudly presenting another show with Dr. A. Lee Dellon as our guest. Dr. Dellon has graciously agreed to do an entire show for The Pelvic Messenger just taking patient's calls and answering their questions live on the show. Please call in at: (323) 693-3847 starting at 2PM Eastern Standard Time. Elisabeth Rutman Oas will be hosting today.
Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio
Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio
Monday, June 4, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Supporting Artists for a Good Cause
Wanted to share this with everyone that reads my blog. While it doesn't have to do directly with PNE, my friend Victor was one of the students attending the American Institute of Musical Studies that shared his Bible with me and some materials/cds from his church in Baltimore, MD, when I gave my life to the Lord in Graz, Austria in 2004. Good luck to you, Victor and Mikael!
Kickstarter Link - Supporting Victor and Mikael - Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"
Kickstarter Link - Supporting Victor and Mikael - Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"
Monday, May 14, 2012
The "Glory" Cloud
Some may think this is crazy... and trust me, it is truly an individual experience... but have you ever seen a glimpse of the glory of God? What does this mean? To some, it's not about God, per se; it may mean reaching a "zen" moment (I do not know much about this), being "one with the universe," or feeling such self-satisfaction at accomplishing something or finally achieving something that the world is completely in the palm of one's hand. I could remember times before I became a born-again believer, I would have these moments at times and feel so confident, like I could conquer the world. Every hair was in place, my eyes sparkled with excitement, self-assurance, and pride, my outfit was stunning and flattered all the right places, and most often, that moment was connected to singing. When I would nail an aria like it was no one's business, maintain complete, calculated control under a soaring high D, or portray the essence of a piece of lied or mélodié with graceful aplomb, I was in my "glory cloud." Perhaps it was after an intimate conversation with a significant other, or a dash through the Austrian rain in my bare feet (all precious memories) that I experienced such heightened bliss. All of these moments have been glorious in their own way; there is nothing on the contrary to say that they were not anything but. However, since rededicating my life to the Lord God, I have to say with confidence that there is nothing like the cloud of God's glory.
This sounds mysterious. To even make sense of it myself, I must turn to the scriptures and point a few things out. Now, by no means am I a Bible scholar. I am opening up another window and looking this up on www.biblegateway.com
So after typing in "God's glory," I find this:
11 And it came to pass when the priests came out of the Most Holy Place (for all the priests who were present had sanctified themselves, without keeping to their divisions), 12 and the Levites who were the singers, all those of Asaph and Heman and Jeduthun, with their sons and their brethren, stood at the east end of the altar, clothed in white linen, having cymbals, stringed instruments and harps, and with them one hundred and twenty priests sounding with trumpets— 13 indeed it came to pass, when the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of music, and praised the Lord, saying:
(I added the highlights to the above passage.) It was so precious what I experienced this past weekend as I sang (ministered) as a soloist and as a choir member at the 5th Anniversary Celebration Concert of The Pittsburgh Gospel Choir. Not only was I completely humbled that Dr. Jones would take the time to explain to the massive audience a bit of my testimony, about how one year ago this same woman about to sing could not walk or sit without massive pain (not to mention the emotional bondage and turmoil in my mind and heart), but I was just stilled at the Glory of what God Almighty has/had done in my life. The audience gave shouts of praise for my healing, and marveled when Dr. Jones remarked that I had traveled to Vienna to have surgery and that God would divinely CHOOSE the surgeon as His vessel to bring forth healing in this body of mine!
We always used to remark that "wouldn't it be such a powerful testimony if you were MIRACULOUS healed in a moment, Jessica?" Surely God could do that. Even as twinges of a flare still pulse through my body at times, I am still unfortunately led to a place of not trusting wholeheartedly in God's promise of being completely restored. So -- again, I am lead to study more about fear and how it is the opposite of faith... anyways... back to the original point.
The "Glory Cloud." As an artist, there is a moment when you are onstage and the stage lights illuminate your face so strongly that you feel completely in your element during the song you sing, the scene you portray, the point you try to get across to your audience. It's glorious. It's illuminated. I can remember one particular time when the beauty of a Strauss vocal line brought me to actual tears when singing the role of Sophie in Der Rosenkavalier. That is really frowned upon -- breaking that line between true human emotion and portrayed emotion -- but it was simply impossible during the incredible duet, "Ist ein Traum / Spür' nur dich". Incredible.
So, developing this deeper, I go back to the Glory Cloud and add "God" to it. It is a place where you are simply seeing gold auras around people, when there is a sweet heaviness to your immediate environment, and an intimacy and peace that only the Father can bring. Sometimes, there is stillness and quiet. At other times there is intensity and evolvement of that intensity into something tangible.
Reflecting upon the miracle done thus far in my life through the healing I have experienced, I can only describe the moment below as "basking in the light of His presence." I, as a Levite, was set at perfect peace as I set forth to minister Moses Hogan's arrangement of the Negro spiritual, "There's a Man Goin' Round." To live in that Glory Cloud would be nothing short of being in Heaven at His throne. And you see why I want to sing. And to testify about what He took me out of and continues to walk me through.
This sounds mysterious. To even make sense of it myself, I must turn to the scriptures and point a few things out. Now, by no means am I a Bible scholar. I am opening up another window and looking this up on www.biblegateway.com
So after typing in "God's glory," I find this:
2 Chronicles 5
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 So all the work that Solomon had done for the house of the Lord was finished; and Solomon brought in the things which his father David had dedicated: the silver and the gold and all the furnishings. And he put them in the treasuries of the house of God.
The Ark Brought into the Temple
2 Now Solomon assembled the elders of Israel and all the heads of the tribes, the chief fathers of the children of Israel, in Jerusalem, that they might bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord up from the City of David, which is Zion. 3 Therefore all the men of Israel assembled with the king at the feast, which was in the seventh month. 4 So all the elders of Israel came, and the Levites took up the ark. 5 Then they brought up the ark, the tabernacle of meeting, and all the holy furnishings that were in the tabernacle. The priests and the Levites brought them up. 6 Also King Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel who were assembled with him before the ark, were sacrificing sheep and oxen that could not be counted or numbered for multitude. 7 Then the priests brought in the ark of the covenant of the Lord to its place, into the inner sanctuary of the temple,[a] to the Most Holy Place, under the wings of the cherubim. 8 For the cherubim spread their wings over the place of the ark, and the cherubim overshadowed the ark and its poles. 9 The poles extended so that the ends of the poles of the ark could be seen from the holy place, in front of the inner sanctuary; but they could not be seen from outside. And they are there to this day. 10 Nothing was in the ark except the two tablets which Moses put there at Horeb, when the Lord made a covenant with the children of Israel, when they had come out of Egypt.11 And it came to pass when the priests came out of the Most Holy Place (for all the priests who were present had sanctified themselves, without keeping to their divisions), 12 and the Levites who were the singers, all those of Asaph and Heman and Jeduthun, with their sons and their brethren, stood at the east end of the altar, clothed in white linen, having cymbals, stringed instruments and harps, and with them one hundred and twenty priests sounding with trumpets— 13 indeed it came to pass, when the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of music, and praised the Lord, saying:
that the house, the house of the Lord, was filled with a cloud, 14 so that the priests could not continue ministering because of the cloud; for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.
(I added the highlights to the above passage.) It was so precious what I experienced this past weekend as I sang (ministered) as a soloist and as a choir member at the 5th Anniversary Celebration Concert of The Pittsburgh Gospel Choir. Not only was I completely humbled that Dr. Jones would take the time to explain to the massive audience a bit of my testimony, about how one year ago this same woman about to sing could not walk or sit without massive pain (not to mention the emotional bondage and turmoil in my mind and heart), but I was just stilled at the Glory of what God Almighty has/had done in my life. The audience gave shouts of praise for my healing, and marveled when Dr. Jones remarked that I had traveled to Vienna to have surgery and that God would divinely CHOOSE the surgeon as His vessel to bring forth healing in this body of mine!
We always used to remark that "wouldn't it be such a powerful testimony if you were MIRACULOUS healed in a moment, Jessica?" Surely God could do that. Even as twinges of a flare still pulse through my body at times, I am still unfortunately led to a place of not trusting wholeheartedly in God's promise of being completely restored. So -- again, I am lead to study more about fear and how it is the opposite of faith... anyways... back to the original point.
The "Glory Cloud." As an artist, there is a moment when you are onstage and the stage lights illuminate your face so strongly that you feel completely in your element during the song you sing, the scene you portray, the point you try to get across to your audience. It's glorious. It's illuminated. I can remember one particular time when the beauty of a Strauss vocal line brought me to actual tears when singing the role of Sophie in Der Rosenkavalier. That is really frowned upon -- breaking that line between true human emotion and portrayed emotion -- but it was simply impossible during the incredible duet, "Ist ein Traum / Spür' nur dich". Incredible.
So, developing this deeper, I go back to the Glory Cloud and add "God" to it. It is a place where you are simply seeing gold auras around people, when there is a sweet heaviness to your immediate environment, and an intimacy and peace that only the Father can bring. Sometimes, there is stillness and quiet. At other times there is intensity and evolvement of that intensity into something tangible.
Reflecting upon the miracle done thus far in my life through the healing I have experienced, I can only describe the moment below as "basking in the light of His presence." I, as a Levite, was set at perfect peace as I set forth to minister Moses Hogan's arrangement of the Negro spiritual, "There's a Man Goin' Round." To live in that Glory Cloud would be nothing short of being in Heaven at His throne. And you see why I want to sing. And to testify about what He took me out of and continues to walk me through.
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