Supporting Artists for a Good Cause

Wanted to share this with everyone that reads my blog.  While it doesn't have to do directly with PNE, my friend Victor was one of the students attending the American Institute of Musical Studies that shared his Bible with me and some materials/cds from his church in Baltimore, MD, when I gave my life to the Lord in Graz, Austria in 2004.  Good luck to you, Victor and Mikael!





Kickstarter Link - Supporting Victor and Mikael - Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring"

Safe in His arms

I am so blessed. At Monday night's Pittsburgh Gospel Choir rehearsal, we rehearsed a beautiful song entitled "Safe in His Arms". I cannot express how much this song affected me that night. The beautiful voice of Donna, the soloist, filled the East Liberty Presbyterian Church cathedral space. The lyrics speak to the heart. Everyone at some point in their life will have some (or many) defining moments where the soul desperately cries out to the Lord, for blessing, answers, wisdom, healing, faith, restoration. But, Oh... the Lord!!! Oh, how He is so willing. Let the song minister to you. Believe BELIEVE my friends. And be humbled because of the sacrifice He made for YOU.

Because the Lord is my shepherd,
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in the meadow's grass
and He leads me beside the quiet streams,
He restoreth my failing health,
and He helps me to do what honors Him the most;
that's why I'm safe, that's why I'm safe,
that's why I'm safe, safe In His arms.

Chorus:
When the storms of life are raging and the billows roll,
I'm glad He shall hide me safe in His arms.

Vamp:
I'm glad He shall hide me.

Ending:
Safe in His arms.
(repeat as desired)

Now, words are beautiful. But a heavenly voice anointed by the Holy Spirit brings much glory to God.

Things change...

I happened to read a few of my old blog entries from the very beginning of this blog. Did I ever mention how much I hate the word "blog?" What a dumb word. But, getting back on track, so I re-read some old stuff. In all the posts,there were elements of what I was living with at the current time: what symptoms I was experiencing, what meds I was taking, what upcoming treatments I had going on, what the physicians were recommending for me... and through all the different posts, those things changed. Plans changed. Symptoms came, got worse, were masked by drugs, reactions then happened to drugs, treatment plans changed, moving, changing, moving, changing...

There is a thread of similarity throughout all these posts though -- whether it be about medical things, things from my hurting soul, from my melancholic memories --- and that thread is this:

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the SAME, Yesterday, Today, and FOREVER."

What does that mean to you?

Well, here's what it means to me. In the beginning of this journey, there was a promise, a prophecy, if you will, that the Lord spoke to some unknown lady at Water of Life Community Church in Fontana, California. She saw a young, hurting woman coming up to the altar for prayer at a Sunday evening service. She didn't ask what I was crying about. She didn't ask my name. She simply put her hands on me and said, you are a Precious Daughter in the Lord's sight. God is telling me He wants to heal your nervous system."

Vooooo---doooooooooooo..............! Wait! No! Of course not. It never crossed my mind that what this lady was saying was odd. For when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and asked Him to rule over my life when I was halfway through my Master's program in Opera Performance at the American Institute of Musical Studies in Graz, Austria, in July, 2004, the Holy Spirit dwelled within me. And that same Holy Spirit, who is God, resounded in my hurting soul at that moment and peace filled me and I knew, I knew, that what this unknown woman said would come to be true words. For, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

My situation may have changed. To God be the glory for that. What made me go down dead end roads? Why did I suffer more? Why did I develop Complex Regional Pain Syndrome -- a disease of the entire nervous system - as a result of a failed surgery? You know what... it doesn't matter. Because MY GOD is still the same. He never changes. His promise, HIS WORD is true. (Thank you, Pastor Kurt, for reminding me of that in the summer of 2010 when I wrote it down in my journal).

I am not some super hero. Nor am I some super woman of mountains of faith. I am as fallible and as broken and as much of a sinner as anyone else. I am not special in the world's eye. I am special to my Father. Learning of the true love that God has for me, for Jessica, is more revelation that I have ever asked for or ever believed possible.

What is different and why can't I have that? you might ask.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened unto you."

You really never know until you try.

Schönen, regnerischen Abend...

It is raining here in Pennsylvania. There were moments of blissful sunlight today, and I just smiled up at the sky and thanked God for a simple thing such as warmth. There really is so much to be thankful for...

In the past week, I have been privileged to sing sweet hymns to my dying grandmother, stroking her weary head and cradling her bony body in my arms. I never knew that I could be a ministering angel. Someone put it like this to me, "well, Jessica, she probably cradled you in her arms when you were born... you were her first biological grandchild..." Anyways, what is important is that despite her illness that has lingered on and wracked her body for three painful years now, she has voiced to God her desire to leave this earth and be with Him in Heaven. When I knelt by her bed and cradled her I felt the presence of someone behind me where I at least 5 times looked over my shoulder to see if someone was there. I felt so at peace that I didn't even care if she died in my arms... and I have never been in anyone's presence when they have died before. I pray our merciful God takes her soon.

You know, she always prayed for me and my struggle and BELIEVED for my total healing. Almost 2 years ago, after my TG surgery, she brought me a simple ornamental piece that says "Believe" in script. I have it in my kitchen. I will never stop believing. I have come so far and I give God all the glory for directing me in all the right places. I am so blessed to have had the healing hands of Prof. Oskar Aszmann and Dr. Haibin Wang touch me and help guide me back to the purpose-driven life I so desire to lead. Our physicians deserve more credit! Next time, give them a hug. They may be shocked, but believe me, they deserve it.

I adore my new piano. I am thrilled that when I get up from playing it, the part of me that aches the most is not my pelvic floor or the area where I sit, but my shoulders from tensing up to play the notes with skill and musicality. God is so good! Ohhhh--- glory Hallelujah.

So, as the rain falls, I think to a song that touches me yet to this day, "Even Me."

Lord I hear of showers of blessing thou art scattering full and free

Showers the thirsty soul refreshing, let some drops now fall on me

Even me, Lord, even me, let some drops now fall on me

Even me, Lord, even me, let some drops now fall on me

Father, enlarge my territory. Send me to the nations, if it be Your will. I have my Passport and I'm ready to go. I know You will have me go back to Austria someday. Thank you, God for putting me in contact with Greg Mundis, World Missions Director for the Assemblies of God and the founder and former pastor of Vienna Christian Center. I was so excited to tell him my whole story!!!

Readers, please believe. I love you.

You are so beautiful

"Awww.... Barbie, you're so pretty. Such thick, brown hair and long eyelashes--- you don't even NEED makeup!!! Naturally pink lips, and you're thin, too! And, where'd you get that sweater, girl?"

And Barbie replies, ever so sweetly:

"Oh. You didn't notice my button? Was it NOT BIG ENOUGH? It's as big as my head for cryin' out loud!! Can't you see it? Yeah, that's right. Me. Beautiful Barbie. With Chronic Pain. HIDDEN Chronic Pain. "

So, you see my point, readers, friends, loved ones. I will strap a megaphone to my face and tell you and the whole world about Pudendal Nerve Entrapment if I haven't already. It's a hidden pain eating away not only at our most intimate, personal areas, but at our self-worth, our identities, our everythings. I am just being REAL here, like my blog originally stated I would. I made a new PNE friend tonight. Praise God for that. No really, seriously. I'm happy I made a new PNE friend. We need to network. I'm finding that there are just too few doctors and too MANY patients that it's up to the majority to make something happen. So, kudos (and I hate that word, but my brain can't come up w/ another one right now) to those PNE people that are spreading the word, being sleuths behind the scenes, demanding answers, all in kindness of course, because bashing someone over the head or throwing yourself at the foot of the podium of the International Pelvic Pain Society meeting just won't do it. Hahaha at A in CA :-) She gets this one. I have to refocus my brain before I'm off to bed. Because getting up in the morning for a PNer just ain't easy. So, I'm going to try to find a verse that sums it up and gives hope to not only me but to you, reader, too.

^{Psalm 37}

³Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

⁴Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

God has never failed me yet. He has never failed me yet. He has never failed me yet. HE HAS NEVER FAILED ME YET.

Yup. That's how I feel today. Ker*Plunk. Tables turned. Right side worse than left. Left side healing? Yes. I trust in that. Right's been hurting a lot lately, just haven't posted it. But I'm posting it tonight. Will I be one of the ones that have to go through another surgery to get rid of this darn scar tissue surrounding my poor nerve? Time to start seeking answers again. Oh, Lord. What do You have for me? What is the purpose in this pain? Faith like an apostle? Martyrdom? Am I dramatic? (YES) I am human.

I want a sibling for A.

What else do I want? I want, I want I want. What do you want, God?

Jeremiah 31:3 (New King James Version)

³ The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying:

“ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Love, me Lord, and take away my anguish. Set me free from this bondage. The ups and downs. This is PNE. Ahhhhhhhh! Someday, someday...... I will beat this. We will beat this!!! I can't give up!! I'm like Rocky......... I may be down for the count, but I'll beat you in the end. (Theme song playing in my head). Are you sick of reading my post? Ok, good. Cause I'm sick of writing it. Please just pray for me tonight. Thank you all.

Lean HARD!

More great encouragement sent from another friend (a male) suffering from PNE.

Cast your burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain you." Psalm 55:22

It is by an act of simple, prayerful faith we transfer our cares and anxieties, our sorrows and needs, to the Lord. Jesus invites you come and lean upon Him, and to lean with all your might upon that arm that balances the universe, and upon that bosom that bled for you upon the soldier's spear! But you doubtingly ask, "Is the Lord able to do this thing for me ?" And thus, while you are debating a matter about which there is not the shadow of a shade of doubt, the burden is crushing your gentle spirit to the dust. And all the while Jesus stands at your side and lovingly says, "Cast your burden upon Me and I will sustain you. I am God Almighty. I bore the load of your sin and condemnation up the steep of Calvary, and the same power of omnipotence, and the same strength of love that bore it all for you then, is prepared to bear your need and sorrow now. Roll it all upon Me! Child of My love! Lean hard! Let Me feel the pressure of your care. I know your burden, child! I shaped it—I poised it in My own hand and made no proportion of its weight to your unaided strength. For even as I laid it on, I said I shall be near, and while she leans on Me, this burden shall be Mine, not hers. So shall I keep My child within the encircling arms of My own love. Here lay it down! Do not fear to impose it on a shoulder which upholds the government of worlds! Yet closer come! You are not near enough! I would embrace your burden, so I might feel My child reposing on My breast. You love Me! I know it. Doubt not, then. But, loving me, lean hard!"