Ahhh, so this is the post I thought my phone deleted

My faith is really being put to the test. I am experiencing some very "not so good" moments that throw me back into the past. In so many ways, I want to relinquish the past AND future completely and let my thoughts and cares fall only for today, for as the Bible says, today has enough worries of its own. But I fall into the trap of grief, again and again. I know it is a spiritual attack. Why would any force of evil want someone healed, made whole, testify about it, and lead others to the Lord in the process? Do I start throwing out my "get thee behind me, Satan"'s again? Honestly, I'm tired. I got a suggestion to keep doing spiritual warfare and put on my full armor. A Christian would know what that means. So, when my eyes open in the morning, do I say this to the enemy who wants to devour me? I can't. Right now, I am really weak (spiritually.) I am not white-flaggin' it to the devil though. I'm just being honest. I am so spiritually blocked right now though- I need a breakthrough- and that is only something that intercessory prayer can break. The Lord knew and knows my days before I was even formed. He knew I would write this blog post realizing my own inadequacy and my need for an "e-blast" of prayer. So I guess I will do what He says and rest in it. Rest. Today when I was driving home from dropping off my daughter at Vacation Bible School- I thought, "I would like to volunteer, with my daughter, to sing and talk and pray with young children who are in more pain than I could ever be." I was getting a thought for an avenue of ministry. Almost immediately, the enemy comes in with "but you can't do that, because you'll never be well enough for that." Now, you can see why I need a total mind overhaul. What happened to my faith? I have it somewhere- right? God- give me the grace and mercy that I need to continue to believe, that even despite these trials- that YOUR Word promises my complete health! Revive me, Holy Spirit, and send Your fire to burn with fervor again. Show me how to walk in Your Word. Show me how to TALK in Your Word. Show me that You are THAT YOU ARE!!!! Fight my battle, Jesus! Give me the faith again to TRUST You completely!!! You are ALL power, Lord! You will deliver-- IF-- I trust You. And, in your mercy, guide the hands of my surgeon, Prof Aszmann, as he operates on my dear friend tomorrow. You PROMISED us, God! Thank you, Jesus. I need a whole lotta sermon from Dr Herb Jones right now. I need some spiritual backhands!!! People speak it to me, I am open to what the Lord wants to say through you! Ughhhh- God just set me free from this. My ice packs burning in hell is long overdue.

Giving it to God

This has got to be one of the worst days.  Nothing terrible happened, no tragedies, or level 10 pain, but today is one of the first in a long time that I have realized that I just don't have words to describe how I feel anymore.  In believing that the Lord God Almighty knows when I sit and when I stand, the words that come out of my mouth before I speak them, and the thoughts that come into my head, I have to just stand back.  I need to get this crazy spirit of guilt or punishment or grief or whatever off of me and just get into my rightful place of mercy and grace, since I am a believer in God's promises.  I am trying so hard to get things going with The Pelvic Messenger --- me and my partner, both.  What a lot of people may not realize is that neither of us are completely on the other side of the fence yet.  We ain't ridin' "home free" if you know what I mean.  PELVIC PAIN IS OF THE DEVIL.  I am so sick of this!  Reader, you are seeing a lot of sides of me right now.  That's what stream-of-consciousness is, I guess.  


I had a whole blog post written and I was writing it from my phone and it deleted it.  So, here I go again.  In life, there are three spectrums of time, I guess.  Past, present and future.  Lately, I confess, I have been grieving the past and DREADING the future.  Now, what kind of spirit is THAT?  That is a messed up spirit trying to bother me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope."  And, another loud sigh comes out of my soul.....


I would like to let anyone who reads this far know that I am doing better since my surgery almost 8 months ago.  However, I have hit a large stumbling block in my recovery and it's got me down.  THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.  Writing is easier than weeping, sometimes, I suppose... although I've done my fair share of that today --- thank goodness I was alone... but sometimes, I don't really care.  I am who am.  I am real.  


I want to go out in the world.  I have dreams.  I want to speak to many people about this, on a small scale and large scale.  I want to bring hope to hurting people.  I want to live victoriously.  I want to sit and have coffee with someone suffering and give them Jesus and the way out.  The work I do for The Pelvic Messenger is part of that.  It is my ministry - I will make Jessica's part of it my own, and that is the freedom with which I am given.  But, I must not forget my VOICE.  The enemy tries to make me forget about that.  Says, "you ain't got it no mo'!"  WHAT?  What a liar.  


I have a dream today --- so my dream is to learn Villa-Lobos "Bachianas Brasilenas" for soprano and cello sextet.  Can I pull it off?  Large, through-the-nose exhalation...


If you love me, send me an email and tell me what I need to do to shape up my mind.  I am all for criticism, rebuke, anything.  I am being a freaking loon here.  I need to get back on track.  Yes, there is pain and it is flared and I don't know why it persists, but maybe it has for this long so that you would read this and send me an email.  I don't know.  Who knows.  


It is long past the time that my ice packs were supposed to be off burning in hell --- help me get to that point, merciful God.


Today, I thought about the beautiful music of Glenn Burleigh's "Purpose - Nia" and thought about well, God, what is my purpose?  If I had half a sane brain cell right now, I'd realize that the song simply says "I was born to love the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength."  This is my purpose.  So, I need to get back to that place, then all the rest will fall right in.


Help me out by giving me a swift kick (virtual) in the rear and tell me to shape up.  


Or as I say to my daughter, "straighten up and fly right."  


I'm just giving it to you, God.

I will run

I have had this on my mind ever since the weather got nicer. I will run again. I will really run. I will run and run and run... Maybe away for awhile. But literally, I will run. With. No. Pain.

Flare=Fear

First off, the road to recovery has hit a major pothole. I will not lie, I am discouraged beyond belief. I just cannot give up hope, though. I have had so many reeling thoughts: am I done with the healing process and this is as far as I'll get? Was last month's sitting and doing stuff with zero pain just a fluke? I am full of emotions. It is hard to fall down the ladder a few rungs. I haven't even been able to hear clearly from God for direction-- I've literally woken up, knelt in the corner like a child, and cried out to Him for direction for everything from my thoughts to what I will do with my day in order not to make things worse and hopefully to make things better. In my heart, I HAVE to believe that God will honor my prayers and my transparency with Him- I mean, He knows it all anyways, right? Simple lyrics from the very anointed song that I've posted before: "I'll fight your battles-- IF YOU WILL ONLY TRUST ME." Ok- how? My mind is so muddy. So, I need peace. God promises that and many other things in His Word. Like this: Protection: The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV) - From Bible Promises for iPhone http://biblepromises.reigndesign.com/ Mercy needed. I need mercy to not even have fear. Pain is physical and real... But sovereign over all is God. His will is for m to have life to the fullest. He knows the desires of my heart. He who began a good work in me (my healing) will surely complete it. Jessica just needs prayers tonight. And I am so ready to be covered again.

Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Today on The Pelvic Messenger we are proudly presenting another show with Dr. A. Lee Dellon as our guest.  Dr. Dellon has graciously agreed to do an entire show for The Pelvic Messenger just taking patient's calls and answering their questions live on the show.  Please call in at: (323) 693-3847 starting at 2PM Eastern Standard Time.   Elisabeth Rutman Oas will be hosting today.

Round 2 of QA -with Dr. A Lee Dellon 06/07 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Pelvic Messenger Dr. Fred Howard founder of the IPPS 06/05 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio

Pelvic Messenger Dr. Fred Howard founder of the IPPS 06/05 by PelvicMessenger | Blog Talk Radio